I have the opportunity to be free
So I blurbed out my insides on the previous writing for last nights episode. And re-reading it, I wonder why if its like this that I feel in order to live in 'good times' that good times are defined as everything his way and agreeing to his opinions.
Why haven't I done anything sooner. I look back on our 4 years and its been turbulent and I have changed. I've lost self confidence and self esteem. I dont see friends and family because of H and a whole lot more.
I went over to America to live with him 'forever' in June 07 but we came back to New Zealand in Oct 07 because I was offered a job and it made sense to take it because I had a house, friends and family back here, and H had nothing in the states and a job that he was likely going to loose, that was after I arrived there in June and he got fired and spent 6 weeks finding another job.
So he's American and I'm New Zealand. I had to fork out 10k on my mortgage to get him a work permit visa here so he could stay. We had to use a lawyer because of his crimminal convictions. At the time I was so sure it was for the best and worth him staying here as I thought things might be better over here for us.
Unfortunately a leopard doesnt change his spots regardless of where he moves to.With all my hard work, we got him a work visa for 2 years which expires mid June this year.
During the time he has been here, with what he has put me through, I could have easily had him deported. But I didn't. I kept hoping things would get better.
Now I have to do the paperwork for June regarding getting him residency. I don't have any character references as no one here will write them. I delayed the updated fbi report request but cant tell him that because he will snap. I'm confident he wont get residency but I can also ensure this wont happen.
So why dont I ensure it won't happen. The immigration office dont give any reason when they decline a person so he cant blame me. I have to be so careful to ensure he see's me doing everything possible for him so he can't blame me and then take action on me.
He needs to think its just a government thing. And then he can go back to the states and think that me and our daughter will follow him once he's set up over there. And we'll just never go there and I can go about getting on with a better life for my daughter and I.
He wont be allowed back in NZ and I doubt he will find the funds to do so. I just have to ensure he believes we will follow and that he doesnt expect to take our daughter with him and I come over later, or that we all go as one happy family.
I can't go because we have to apply for residency and omg why would I even consider this (yes I have) based on what he has put me through. And he cant take our dauhter because she is not allowed out of the country (she has been flaged with interpol) and he has no funds since I work and pay for everything.
I am a lot more fortunate than most people in abusive situations because while I continue to, to and fro over what to do, in the end the govt will make that decision for me. My biggest fears are a) what if I want to pack up and go to be with him and b) what if I regret this happening.
Oh and I do have to do the paperwork because he is too busy, or cant work it out, or .... whatever he will use as an excuse as to why I have to do everything for him. And if I dont, then he always has someone to blame.
Why haven't I done anything sooner. I look back on our 4 years and its been turbulent and I have changed. I've lost self confidence and self esteem. I dont see friends and family because of H and a whole lot more.
I went over to America to live with him 'forever' in June 07 but we came back to New Zealand in Oct 07 because I was offered a job and it made sense to take it because I had a house, friends and family back here, and H had nothing in the states and a job that he was likely going to loose, that was after I arrived there in June and he got fired and spent 6 weeks finding another job.
So he's American and I'm New Zealand. I had to fork out 10k on my mortgage to get him a work permit visa here so he could stay. We had to use a lawyer because of his crimminal convictions. At the time I was so sure it was for the best and worth him staying here as I thought things might be better over here for us.
Unfortunately a leopard doesnt change his spots regardless of where he moves to.With all my hard work, we got him a work visa for 2 years which expires mid June this year.
During the time he has been here, with what he has put me through, I could have easily had him deported. But I didn't. I kept hoping things would get better.
Now I have to do the paperwork for June regarding getting him residency. I don't have any character references as no one here will write them. I delayed the updated fbi report request but cant tell him that because he will snap. I'm confident he wont get residency but I can also ensure this wont happen.
So why dont I ensure it won't happen. The immigration office dont give any reason when they decline a person so he cant blame me. I have to be so careful to ensure he see's me doing everything possible for him so he can't blame me and then take action on me.
He needs to think its just a government thing. And then he can go back to the states and think that me and our daughter will follow him once he's set up over there. And we'll just never go there and I can go about getting on with a better life for my daughter and I.
He wont be allowed back in NZ and I doubt he will find the funds to do so. I just have to ensure he believes we will follow and that he doesnt expect to take our daughter with him and I come over later, or that we all go as one happy family.
I can't go because we have to apply for residency and omg why would I even consider this (yes I have) based on what he has put me through. And he cant take our dauhter because she is not allowed out of the country (she has been flaged with interpol) and he has no funds since I work and pay for everything.
I am a lot more fortunate than most people in abusive situations because while I continue to, to and fro over what to do, in the end the govt will make that decision for me. My biggest fears are a) what if I want to pack up and go to be with him and b) what if I regret this happening.
Oh and I do have to do the paperwork because he is too busy, or cant work it out, or .... whatever he will use as an excuse as to why I have to do everything for him. And if I dont, then he always has someone to blame.
Replies