I have had such a patchwork arc of experiences to my life
I am feeling better. There was a great darkness which descended on me this morning while in services. It really troubled me. But I thought about finally making a commitment in life and maybe this is the kind of person I am. A little crazy, not strong or disciplined or directed. Kind of stupid. I thought I can’t ‘ go from thing to thing always seeking greener pastures’. Hoping for a perfect or better place. Hoping that somehow Id be saved (in truth a childish side of me.) I’m older now and I need to commit to something. I pushed myself through the darkness both physical and mental and made it to the light during services . It ultimately feels good to just have gotten the job done. I really see how some grasp onto this structure for life direction. I’m wondering if I can add something good here. A total decision hasn’t been made but right now the trials here are fortifying my sense of agency.
But maybe I can have a different mindset about things. I'm thinking about how Nikki has talked about different eras in one's life. Maybe I can keep mindful of savings along the way but also make room for different professional and personal experiences in my life. I know having one steady profession these days is not the norm.
There are different things I can get involved with and still there's the purposeful need to save for our older years or goals.
Replies
I don't believe that any of the bad things that you wrote about yourself are true
I know that you are not stupid or crazy or weak
I think that you're very diciplined
Even through the roughest patches Marky you keep on keeping on and that takes strength
It's great that you're coming to making decisions for your life
It will be a more relaxing journey
Big hug sweetie...xo
My sister wrote this in response to my post:
Mark, I admire your thoughts on planning for the future but for the moment I would counsel staying present and doing what is right for you now. Be happy and purposeful in your day to day and comfortable with your healthcare/support system. Those are the essentials.
I replied:
Thanks, i appreciate that.
It’s true, I can’t think with enthusiasm blithely about my future. I am not an average person. I need to be careful and self responsible.
I know I still gotta try. She just is maybe being a little cautious and also
a little alarmed, which is understandable. I will keep on ..
Thanks again Janet!! I’m just gonna relax and enjoy the slow, quiet day here in Oklahoma!:)
"a patchwork arc of experience."
methinks that allegory is going to hang with me a long time. i like it, ALLOT. it surely fits my own life.
take the arc one patch at a time, markus. keep your stitches tight and nice.
Thanks Arfie!!