I have come to write.......
There are so many things I could say today. There are so many things I could with hold. But either way...I will always feel like what I have to say has no importance of and kind. They are just words on a page, letters in a row. They mean nothing to no one. They change nothing. They prevent nothing. They stimulate nothing.
So as I go about venting nothing, to no one in particular. Let me start this by saying. I really don't care!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I am finding myself in a very odd place. In some unstable and wavy pattern. My thoughts are chaotic and scattered. But silent and unheard. I am lost in my shuffling existence and am no where to be found.
I am fighting a devastating depression. And I don't care.....
Made more difficult by the fact that I keep myself so isolated and closed off. Trust no one. Have no resources, no support, no interactions or conversations. The voices inside my head are so quiet and then so loud. Reminding me how pathetic my life has become and unfruitful my existence is. And guess what....I don't care.
And as I write this the loudest voice in my head is saying to me, what's the point Sammi? What's the point of the words on the page...the letters lined up....What's the point?
I could come here everyday and document the break down I am having. I could expose everyone to my diminishment. But then again, what's the point.
I am very disappointed to have come to the realization, that Terry did more damage to me then I thought one human being could ever do to another...And guess what I don't care......
I have shrunk down to a minuscule molecule. I will soon disappear and no one will know it. No one will notice.
There are so many things for one to feel hurt about, to feel lost over. Being alone and lonely is what it is. But having no worth, no value. Not being needed or wanted or desired by another human being. Is something the human condition was not meant to ever endure...
So as I go about venting nothing, to no one in particular. Let me start this by saying. I really don't care!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I am finding myself in a very odd place. In some unstable and wavy pattern. My thoughts are chaotic and scattered. But silent and unheard. I am lost in my shuffling existence and am no where to be found.
I am fighting a devastating depression. And I don't care.....
Made more difficult by the fact that I keep myself so isolated and closed off. Trust no one. Have no resources, no support, no interactions or conversations. The voices inside my head are so quiet and then so loud. Reminding me how pathetic my life has become and unfruitful my existence is. And guess what....I don't care.
And as I write this the loudest voice in my head is saying to me, what's the point Sammi? What's the point of the words on the page...the letters lined up....What's the point?
I could come here everyday and document the break down I am having. I could expose everyone to my diminishment. But then again, what's the point.
I am very disappointed to have come to the realization, that Terry did more damage to me then I thought one human being could ever do to another...And guess what I don't care......
I have shrunk down to a minuscule molecule. I will soon disappear and no one will know it. No one will notice.
There are so many things for one to feel hurt about, to feel lost over. Being alone and lonely is what it is. But having no worth, no value. Not being needed or wanted or desired by another human being. Is something the human condition was not meant to ever endure...
Replies
I have been there. I have felt the same. That sense that nobody will know or care when I am gone. And that, really, I don\'t care either.
But you can have a brighter future. Not through what someone else will do for you or feel for you or think of you - but through what YOU do for you, feel for you and think of you. It seems false, I know that. People said the same to me and all I could think was \"why bother - I don\'t care, nobody else cares, so what\'s the point?\" But somehow, I have found it in me to care. I\'m still alone, I\'m still lonely a lot of the time. But I care, and in caring, I\'m happy.
You can recover from this, you can learn to care again - in a good way. Right now it\'s too painful to care. It\'s too horrifying to face what you see yourself as having become. Much easier to switch off and not care. Much easier to join what you believe is the rest of the world, and just not care about you.
But guess what? I\'ve taken the time to write this, because I do care. I don\'t know you, we\'ve never met. But I do know your name from previous posts of yours, I know some of what you have been through. And I care.
Realising the damage he did is a good step. Now you have the chance to repair that damage, and to find instead a happiness you never thought possible and certainly can\'t see as possible right now. Believe me when I tell you that, when I was where you are, I didn\'t believe either. People said things like I\'m saying to you, that it\'s possible to heal and be happy, and all I could think was \"yeah, for YOU maybe it\'s possible, but you clearly are stronger than me, better than me, or just plain not as broken as me\". And yet, I did it. I found happiness, not because I\'m needed, wanted or desired by ANOTHER human being, but because I\'m needed, wanted and desired by me.
I care. And a little tiny part of you does too, or you wouldn\'t have been moved to write at all. I\'m glad you did.
If you need or want to talk, please feel free to PM me. Shame they ditched the chat function, but still.
I feel your pain. I ask these questions out of love:
Do you wish to move out of your isolation?
Are you willing to re-engage in life by volunteering somewhere meaningful to you?
Can you join a bereavement group in your area? even if it is once a month? (I have found it to be very healing to connect with others)
Or join a domestic violence support group? there are other forms of abuse besides physical. Mindgames are the worse. Emotional abuse leaves deep scars. But I believe we can be strong and resilient and not let the assholes win.
I think we all have value. When I go to the SPCA on Sundays, I make a difference to those cats\' lives. It may seem like they don\'t always notice, but I bet the ones I pet and brush, they notice. They receive my kindness and affection and it makes a difference to them. Even if they\'re \"just\" a cat.
I felt a huge disconnect for a while. What does it matter? I go and clean cages. I come home and feel lonely. No one notices.
I think the people there sometimes notice my hard work. They sometimes acknowledge my contribution to the cattery and to the well-being of the cats.
And if they don\'t? That\'s ok. I know that I make a difference. No matter how small.
I do what I need to do, for myself. Most days I feel invisible. But the days I get out to a face-to-face support group or an activity (I signed up for square dance classes! LOL. It\'s Fun!), I feel like I\'m starting to take care of myself. I am not so invisible -- to me.
I notice you. I am always glad when I see that you\'ve come here to journal or participate. You would be missed. By me. I\'ve been wondering about your whereabouts and how you are doing?
I was in a very damaging relationship long ago. What I took from it is that I could not trust myself again. Not just men. But myself. That was a painful lesson. I stayed in my victim place and isolated. For 17 years. And it felt very justified.
And who benefitted from that? He\'s moved on and is doing whatever he\'s doing, wherever.
I am learning to trust myself again. To move out of my deep isolation, step by small step. Some steps, I land in the mud. People can be real shits. But I don\'t have to let it determine who I am. I don\'t have to let them rule my life. This is MY LIFE. If I get this 1 go around, I might as well have a good time!
I wish the same for you.
I have bad days, I have good days. I continue to push against the pain. And sometimes, sometimes it\'s not so painful. Sometimes, I feel the rewards for my efforts. I wish this for you, too.
I hope you start to allow some light into your world. I think you so desperately deserve it. And I think it\'s okay to feel okay now and again.
I wish this gift for you.
((HUGS))
thank you both for your words and your support. It is not as if I am choosing this isolation. I don\'t know how to function outside of it. I have lost my ability to converse one on one with another person face to face. I can write and vent with the letters in a row on the page. But they change nothing. I have allowed this to beat me down and hold me down. I believe the old adage is \" you have made your bed and now you have to lie in it\" So I continuously pull the blankets over my head and stay invisible.