I have a bright light within me
I woke up this morning feeling unleashed
and very strong - I woke up to undermining and all the rest
of the mental daggers that are in my repetoire of self attack but -
- i felt like a strong force - like I had no need for venerating the icons
or the church - and it sent me into questioning 'why am I here'??
but I tried to be respectful od everyone and everything and I tried to do things 'right'
and in that moment of needing approval I felt yet
again in the spirit of being here at church - (weird dynamic but that's how 'me be' at times!)
but then my physical energy really built up in intensity
and I was not 'of the mind' or 'in the way of how things
are' at church - but I tried to be helpful behind the
screen/iconostasis - and yet the nun who is supposed to be teaching me -
seemed, once again, to knock me down
at every assertion of mine - so I kind of just went through the
paces - asking myself where did I stand with anybody
in this environment -??
and then after services and in the trapeza (meal room) - I just threw that
whole miasma of 'self doubt' away - 'maybe i was having
a bad day?" i thought - 'maybe others were having bad days too?'
I just kind of rose above or stepped back rather from those feelings
of being inadequate, of having no value or tossed aside and just let them pass (those unfortunate feelings) through me -
like seeing dangling modifiers - it wasn't everything - it was like just wisps of ghosts
that I let move on - SO,
it was partly a bad day - i thought - not all bad - but I can deal - I thought -
and then I helped an elderly lady - and she gave a big smile
and applause for helping her - such a sweetie -
it wasn't all that bad afterall indeed! -
I may feel 'ghostly and not all there' at times - and in the background - but that doesn't
mean it won't pass (the bad times) - and things will get better -
I was thinking about having things my way - a little bit - and how that would make me feel better -
and realized everyone was doing that themselves - ya know? We all have our preferences and would
like it their way too -
- knowing that also
the group is all dynamic, diverse and rushing around in each's world of thought
and action - so again maybe it wasn't a reflection of me - and so it just was only partly a bad day or start to the day -
so, I am back in my room now - I feel mellow - I feel like in a way that reminds me of my grandfather (my Mom's Dad)
and how he was the voice of reason and in the background for most things.
And I am loving Blue so much! Things are good. I'll go to work in an hour and a half
and just get things ready before then.
I'm getting better at surmounting the derailing quality of those moments when there's frustration or upset or panic - but instead I've learned to take a beat
and keep on keeping on - and get the work done.
I may feel a little ghostly - - now in some ways - because because the day is not all mine - but creating something helps
- and it's important to keep things in
a framework for work at the market, and stuff around here - but I know I have a bright light inside me that wants to shine
and it's just making a place for that light to come out! :)
---
and no I am not ET. hehe
Have a good day you guys!
Replies
I feel a Neil Diamond song coming on……
I wonder what your mission statement might be during this era of your life?
Have a great day, Mark.
Thanks Nikki!