I have to...

I want to kill myself. I have the means and the drive to do it. I can't remember why I have such a desire to do this but I still seem to be curious as to why I want to. I am so depressed and I want to talk to my Psychologist and get some advice, some talk. I am alone here, I feel that the only people I have are my parents and at some points I don't have then either. I am down. It feel like I should have gone into the hospital sometime ago. I see my psychiatrist on December 31st. I know it is New Year's Eve, but who gives a shit anymore.  Why should I live? What is it that I should be here to offer people, I have done nothing for society thus far why should i stick around to see myself fail some more? I am in so much pain that only few know how I feel. I want to tell my doctors about what i am feeling but I am afraid that they are going to put me under a 72 hour hold... I know I would if I was a doctor. It is around Christmas time and I don't want to feel this way or be with other people because I know that I don't want to bring them down.  I just had a nice pep-talk with my dad about these suicidal thoughts and the fact tat I and talking myself out of being depressed and suicidal. I know that is exactly what I do. Things tend to get better with me and then I start to talk myself out of the situation, thus making matters worse. I like this idea of an evil side of me that tries to bring me down by telling me lies and such. Telling me things that I will not attribute to and accomplish. He has gone through al of this and knows how to talk through to himself and give a great deal of change to himself. I am going to promise to myself that I am going to open and willing to do anything, to meet new places and go to new horizons. I want this I want to be a better person and I want to make the changes in my mind. Lets see what unfolds in the near future.  I will get out of this. I will be a better person and I will do this myself in order to advance myself in life and career. I want to work with the the state house or senate... well anything in the government or simply be a diplomat. I'll try to journal tomorrow. Have a good night. I am free.