I hate today

This is proving to be a really rough one. It actually started last night, when I began questioning whether I was at fault for what happened. Of course I wasn't, but what if I had never seen that text between him and her and just remained blissfully unaware. Would we still be together? Would I still be happy?

Was up in the middle of the night for about an hour - 1/2 trying not to think about all this. Was a long time, and I ran through most of my diversion tricks before I was finally able to get back to sleep. I hate waking up. It hurts--that first "he's gone" moment. 

Trying to work, but my mind keeps going back to him, to us, to why I'm here and he's there and we aren't talking. 

Just went to put the dirty dishes in the dishwasher and was surprised to find it full of clean dishes. That was his job, emptying the dishwasher. Not that we had assigned tasks, but I got up first, and while I was waiting for my coffee to brew fed the animals. When he got up he emptied the dishwasher while waiting. That's just the way it worked. I felt like taking those dishes and smashing them against the wall. If I wasn't in an apartment I may just HAVE tossed a few. 

I miss him so much today. It is taking all I have to keep from emailing him. Terrified if I did I wouldn't hear back, or it wouldn't be what I wanted to hear. 

I miss you. I miss holding you, I miss kissing you, I miss looking into your big blue eyes and smiling, I miss tickling your moustache, and the way you played with my hair when we lay together watching tv. I miss our travels--I cancelled the reservations for our trip in July. I miss the way you played with the cats, how you used to tell me you "liked doing things for us". I even miss your sister calling all the time--even when it got annoying. I miss these things and a million more. Until this happened, I loved our life. 

Now it's just a miserable hole that I just want to crawl into and wither away.