I hate this I hate this I hate this!
This is my vent for today (sorry in advance).
Last night snuggled up on the lounge my boyfriend and I watched a chick flick (and I know he was trying to help me with my pain in a way, he avoids chick flicks at all costs!). Then in an ad break out of no where I started crying, I was in a lot of pain... I said "I'm scared, I'm scared I'll never get better and it's so hard". He stroked my hair and said "it'll be ok, I will always be here, and if things don't get better, I'll still be here, I'll look after you I promise" - Thats love, right there. He's scared too, and worried, but he truely doesn't blame this disease on me, or makes me feel like crap for having it. He never pulls the cards "but you're always sick, lets do something!" rather, go lay down, I'll get your heat pack, and goes off playing poker or play station, checking in on my every half hour. I just really want to start this off with I am blessed and I am thankful for it everyday. I tell him too :) I have semi good days, and I try to make the most of them by doing something with him, and of course he has his boys nights playing poker or hanging out. I know this can be full on and while I don't get a leave pass from the disease I truely think he deserves it, he works so hard and stands by my side, a night with the boys having a few drinks and a game of poker is the least I can do right?
Now, on another note. I hate this disease. I hate nothing works, I hate the consant surgery, I hate the pain killers, I hate the associated illness', I hate the pain, the suffering, I hate not being able to work, I hate not being able to socalise, I hate being a complexing case, I hate this. ARGH. (ok childish vent done). Im so sick of constant pain being the 'norm' to me. I hate needing painkillers to somewhat get me through the day. I hate not getting a decent nights sleep. I have no hope in this next surgery giving me relief, I just truely want to know whats going on inside, I want to know where I stand with my body.
Jason's boss said to him yesterday "if she is truely the girl you want to be with, you need to have children ASAP because that will fix her! it doesn't matter when you have them, earlier the better!"
I was shocked! Is he going to give Jason a raise to support a family on a single income? I know it's coming in about 3 years but not now. Does he realise I could be back to sqaure 1 after children? Does he also realise we're not set up for a family? I'm 20 years old? I'm doing my degree? I don't feel like I could be a good mother at the moment, I love children unconditionally but I just don't think now is a good time. I love Jason unconditionally too, but we're not ready, not yet. We're thinking another 3-4 years, I'll have my degree (hopefully) Jason will be manager and his wage alone will be enough for us if I were unable to work, hopefully I can get some sort of work too, even casual days. Then we will be ok.
But no.. did you all know popping out children fixes us? It frustrates me people are like that. But I can't blame his boss, it's obviously all he knows.
Thats all for now, tonight Jases dad, step mum and his brother and sister come over for a BBQ - lets hope I can manage something! Luckily Jason likes cooking the BBQ (something to do with being a man :P ?) so I'll make a salad put out the condiments and be done. Sit myself down, heat pack and all.
I hope you're all feeling great today, Thankyou for being here, you all make it that bit easier on me :)
xx
Last night snuggled up on the lounge my boyfriend and I watched a chick flick (and I know he was trying to help me with my pain in a way, he avoids chick flicks at all costs!). Then in an ad break out of no where I started crying, I was in a lot of pain... I said "I'm scared, I'm scared I'll never get better and it's so hard". He stroked my hair and said "it'll be ok, I will always be here, and if things don't get better, I'll still be here, I'll look after you I promise" - Thats love, right there. He's scared too, and worried, but he truely doesn't blame this disease on me, or makes me feel like crap for having it. He never pulls the cards "but you're always sick, lets do something!" rather, go lay down, I'll get your heat pack, and goes off playing poker or play station, checking in on my every half hour. I just really want to start this off with I am blessed and I am thankful for it everyday. I tell him too :) I have semi good days, and I try to make the most of them by doing something with him, and of course he has his boys nights playing poker or hanging out. I know this can be full on and while I don't get a leave pass from the disease I truely think he deserves it, he works so hard and stands by my side, a night with the boys having a few drinks and a game of poker is the least I can do right?
Now, on another note. I hate this disease. I hate nothing works, I hate the consant surgery, I hate the pain killers, I hate the associated illness', I hate the pain, the suffering, I hate not being able to work, I hate not being able to socalise, I hate being a complexing case, I hate this. ARGH. (ok childish vent done). Im so sick of constant pain being the 'norm' to me. I hate needing painkillers to somewhat get me through the day. I hate not getting a decent nights sleep. I have no hope in this next surgery giving me relief, I just truely want to know whats going on inside, I want to know where I stand with my body.
Jason's boss said to him yesterday "if she is truely the girl you want to be with, you need to have children ASAP because that will fix her! it doesn't matter when you have them, earlier the better!"
I was shocked! Is he going to give Jason a raise to support a family on a single income? I know it's coming in about 3 years but not now. Does he realise I could be back to sqaure 1 after children? Does he also realise we're not set up for a family? I'm 20 years old? I'm doing my degree? I don't feel like I could be a good mother at the moment, I love children unconditionally but I just don't think now is a good time. I love Jason unconditionally too, but we're not ready, not yet. We're thinking another 3-4 years, I'll have my degree (hopefully) Jason will be manager and his wage alone will be enough for us if I were unable to work, hopefully I can get some sort of work too, even casual days. Then we will be ok.
But no.. did you all know popping out children fixes us? It frustrates me people are like that. But I can't blame his boss, it's obviously all he knows.
Thats all for now, tonight Jases dad, step mum and his brother and sister come over for a BBQ - lets hope I can manage something! Luckily Jason likes cooking the BBQ (something to do with being a man :P ?) so I'll make a salad put out the condiments and be done. Sit myself down, heat pack and all.
I hope you're all feeling great today, Thankyou for being here, you all make it that bit easier on me :)
xx
Replies
Your man sounds like a winner! Hold onto him.
I agree having children at 20 is a poor idea. I know what I was like at 20. I was on my own by 18, but barely scraping by. Maturity could have been better too. I am still with the same man too though--- 20 yrs later--- so it might have worked, despite my flaws.
I think you are very wise to consider ALL aspects of raising kids before you have an \"oops!\" Money is a necessity and an issue. There are very few 20 yr olds making much money. You would be beholden to parents.
Like you said that isn\'t a fix for the pain you suffer. His boss obviously thinks your pain is \"emotional.\" Isn\'t that the stereotype of women even in the 21st century? Geez!
Well, maybe he could finagle a raise out of his boss. Say \"hey, boss, we are trying?\" haha! Bosses love it when people have kids and other big commitments. Those are the employees who NEED their jobs the most and will acquiesce to the status quo.
Oh, well. Let is roll of your back like rain. Have fun at the BBQ. If we are in pain no matter what, why not have some fun?
Love that man and meet his needs because he sounds like a really good guy. It is also a good sign that he has other friends to meet his needs and hang out with. It is too much when all is invested in one person, unrealistic.
Have a good one!
Thanks ChronicIL!
On a better note his boss is amazing about my illness - he works with Jase on days off he needs because of me. I am truely thankful for that. I will let it slide =P we arn\'t having children and regardless of what people may say, we will have them when we are ready :)
I do love him :) I am so lucky, and thankful. We\'re a great team!
and you\'re right about the BBQ :)
Have a good one too!
I hate this too, every single doctor I have ever seen has tried to talk me into getting pregnant. Like it will just fix everything. Pregnancy doesn\'t always fix endo, my cousin has 2 kids, yet she still suffers. So not only is she is constant pain, she\'s in constant pain while also having to take care of 2 kids. This is not my idea of being cured. Not to mention, who can even afford to have kids these days anyway, especially on one income?
Carrie, you\'re so right! In 3 years they have told Jase they are opening up a new store and want him to manage it, he\'s young enough and carasmatic enough to work wonders for them. Then his income would be enough (150,000+) to support a small family. But I hate the arrogance! I feel for your cousin! :( :( It\'s not my idea of being cured either. I truely hope something works for us all. Thinking of you!
x
Love you Tate i hate what its doing to your life and all of our lives but im glad you have Jase to support you he is a good man xoxox
He sure is brooke!
I hate what it\'s doing too :(
hey girl,
wow, my heart goes out to you. We all have our days that we JUST hate it, we hate everything about it and the fact that we can\'t change it. We can\'t change how other people feel about it - which leaves us feeling even MORE powerless than we already do! It\'s hard to combat a disease with a positive attitude or with any kind of hope when the people around you think they have a frickin clue! My boyfriend sometimes works out of town for work and he has told his boss he can\'t BECAUSE I\'m so sick, his boss said \"Take her with you\" as if I can sit in a car for a million hours getting to where he works at, as if I don\'t have a job, as if I\'m going to sit around for 12 hours a day while he\'s at work. I think male bosses especially are completely retarded about this disease, they just don\'t understand what our men go through for us and with us. I think sometimes we also forget that our men DO make so many sacrifices for us and probably have to put up with a lot of the same attitudes we do such as \"well what\'s REALLY wrong with her? that\'s not so bad\" ... they just don\'t understand.
Ahh, well i\'m so glad that your man understands and treats you well! That is their job as our boyfriends, to just hold us while we cry and be there when we\'re sick. That\'s the best thing they CAN do! And men love to help us put a smile on our face.
Best of luck to you, doll. I understand the money and career concerns COMPLETELY. As a young lady i\'m trying to embark on a career as well and it\'s SO hard when you are not well and already have so much on your plate. I ricochet between being angry as all hell mixed with sadness and being relatively okay, and feeling positive. NOTHING in between. It\'s exhausting!
Much love to you! Hugs!!!
Thanks hun! Here is hoping for pain free days!
xx
Dear sweet Tate,
My heart goes out to you and all the other endo sufferers. Until I met Brooke and you, I didn\'t realise just how horrible it can be. I know what Jason\'s boss said is how many people think, unless they have seen the pain it causes It\'s so true, too, with RA and Depression as I\'ve learnt - no way can you \"pull yourself together\" as so many people think.
It is so good that Jason is such a wonderful partner and gives you so much support.. You are so right to wait to have children when you are both ready. I guess all you can do is just try to ignore people who have no idea of what you\'re going through - in one ear and out the other.
Hope you all enjoyed your BBQ last night - our Aussie weather has a lot going for it!!!
Wishing you some pain-free days or less painful days.
Love and hugs, Angel xx
Dear sweet Tate,
My heart goes out to you and all the other endo sufferers. Until I met Brooke and you, I didn\'t realise just how horrible it can be. I know what Jason\'s boss said is how many people think, unless they have seen the pain it causes It\'s so true, too, with RA and Depression as I\'ve learnt - no way can you \"pull yourself together\" as so many people think.
It is so good that Jason is such a wonderful partner and gives you so much support.. You are so right to wait to have children when you are both ready. I guess all you can do is just try to ignore people who have no idea of what you\'re going through - in one ear and out the other.
Hope you all enjoyed your BBQ last night - our Aussie weather has a lot going for it!!!
Wishing you some pain-free days or less painful days.
Love and hugs, Angel xx
Thankyou Angel
xxxx
I\'m so sorry tate! It sucks to be in so much pain! Having children is NOT a cure! Everyone said it would be and I have had 8 surgeries since my son was born - so much for a cure! Hang on to that man - he\'s a winner!
Thanks MommyM8 he sure is :)
xx