I hate this

im just so scared of my feelings right now, I dont know what to do.....I think when Im feeling good then I can hear my psychotic thoughts more, and they are not good...they tell me that for me to feel good then someone else in the world has to suffer and its my fault....so I go looking for bad events in the world that happen when I feel good and I truly believe it is my fault, just because I feel good...........sounds silly I know but its what I believe and I cant help it. I have been seeing a psychiatrist for the last 10 years and he knows about these thoughts,, but he doesnt know yet that I have them back again...I see him on thursday, so will tell him then...then he will probably want me to take more seoquel or some other med..I am just so mixed up and I dont know what to do.