i hate my skin.

today was a bad day. i felt engulfed in anxiety. at one point when i was getting ready to shower, it was the worst. i wanted to pick at myself, but i was stopping myself, and it was a real struggle. i then realized i hate my skin. i don't hate myself, i don't hate my body shape, i hate my SKIN. i wanted to pick away at it, i wanted to remove it, i wanted to fucking PEEL IT OFF. at times it feels like a foreign object to me, sometimes a diseased object that needs to be removed, for me to be able to go on with my life.
yesterday was okay. i even wanted to have sex, yesterday. and i knew today would be opportunistic. but when nick came over, i was in no mood, especially because of my anxiety. but i WANTED to be in the mood. so i just went with it, kind of forced the mood onto myself. which i just shouldn't have done. i ended up losing the mood halfway through, felt like a complete loser, an imbecile. i felt so, i don't know, dirty, violated- like i violated myself. like i forced myself to have sex...