I hate evryone
I hate just about everyone today. They are all assholes. Every last one. men are the most stupid. The have no souls. If there was such a thing as souls they would not have one. And they are stupid ugly things.
Stupid bitch across the hall had to bitch about the security door not closing so they fixed it. now the damn thing slams everytime someone goes in or out. Slams hard and scares me.
Upstairs people ..some assholes have no key and they lay on the buzzer....buzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz. It scares me too. Fuckers.
I don't want to be nice anymore.. I'm tired of being nice. Stupid people. I get so mad. I'm tired of trying to be nice every day. Trying to not feel stuff or react or act on it. I want to act on it. I don't want to have to practise good reactions. I want to just be regular. I can't be regular I want to let it all out.
I fucking hate [people.
Stupid bitch across the hall had to bitch about the security door not closing so they fixed it. now the damn thing slams everytime someone goes in or out. Slams hard and scares me.
Upstairs people ..some assholes have no key and they lay on the buzzer....buzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz. It scares me too. Fuckers.
I don't want to be nice anymore.. I'm tired of being nice. Stupid people. I get so mad. I'm tired of trying to be nice every day. Trying to not feel stuff or react or act on it. I want to act on it. I don't want to have to practise good reactions. I want to just be regular. I can't be regular I want to let it all out.
I fucking hate [people.
Replies
lol @ men have no souls. Sorry people are pissing you off - here have some patience. Hope things get better soon xo
Cecil,
You don\'t have to act on your feelings, but you do have to feel them to heal. Stuffing them will suffocate you.
Let yourself feel whatever you feel then come here, as you do, and cut loose.
So, today I hear that you \"...fucking hate people.\" Okay.
I also hear that you \"...want to just be regular.\" What does just being regular look like? Think regular people don\'t get angry? Think regular people don\'t get sad or down?
What does being \'regular\' look like to you? And why can\'t you be regular?
xx
Regular: Not having out of control feelings. Not being in constant emotional pain. I am trying not to use the word \"normal\" because I would be criticized for that. We all damn well know there is a \"within normal limits\" for feelings/thoughts/behavior. Sure, there is a lot of latitude but living with almost constant fear, pain, panic and anger is not \"within normal limits\". Sometimes that whole rhetoric about there is \"no such thing as normal\" is the same as saying penis size doesn\'t matter, it\'s the \"motion of the ocean\". Both reek of bullshit.
You\'re right. Living with almost constant fear, pain, panic and anger is not within normal limits.
So, how in the world do you manage all that? And what has your therapist suggested about working through all of these emotions?
I don\'t know if they even exist anymore, Cecil, but the survivor workshops I went to in the late 80s were worth more than almost all the talk therapy I was engaged in.
In these workshops survivors not only told their story but also released a lot of emotional turmoil. This went a long way in helping me get in touch with my body and in grounding me. Letting go of the stuff I was carrying in a safe group setting was the single most valuable piece of healing I ever did.
If you\'re interested and can do it you may want to consider checking it out with your therapist; he may know of some safe ones.
xx
I was in a peer group when I lived in DE. It was facilitated by a social worker and funded by grants so they took donations. I loved that group and i agree 100 percent it was helpful. I have searched high and lo and can\'t find anything here. Rape crisis center runs one but it is closed. Annnnd....get this, if you are over 50 you are not welcome. I did find a 2 other groups. Around here there are 3 major hospitals and if your doctor is associated with Hospital A you can only see specialists/behavioral health that are associated with Hospital A . I think it is a managed care thing. Anyway...One of those groups would be available to me if I pass the screening and a place opens up. However I would still pay a 40 dollar co pay for each group session which is once weekly. Plus I still need and want to see my therapist.. I am in an eating disorders group that meets once a week. Most of us have a history of sexual abuse so that is helpful. It is 40 dollars a month which is more affordable. I am thankful I have insurance but as it is I already pay 250 a month just in co pays.
I\'m sorry if I was pissy . I am angry and frustrated and scared. I went back to work monday and it has been awful. Emotions are like a tornado under the surface. I am dropping things, jumpy, having trouble sleeping.
I don\'t know...I do really like the group thing but there is no way I would choose group over individual if it came to that.
My therapist is helping me with some DBT skills to manage the crap storms that happen during the work day. We are also working on me letting the pain out in a safe place.
SuzA, I think you have a lot of wonderful insight but for some reason I always end up feeling like I have to defend myself against you. I always feel like I am not good enough or doing the right things. I always feel judged. It is just more of my internal garbage but it does come through in my responses to you.
Cecil, my damn therapist has a damn group and hasn\'t included me in it!!!
I heard from someone in SIA that there are periodic weekend-long groups for survivors in New Jersey. I never followed up with SIA or the group.
Donna...I might like doing a weekend retreat like thing. I can\'t afford that either, though.