I had it all and blew it all away.

My life was perfect, well as perfect as perfect can  be. If only I would have appreciated what I had and not try to be something I wasn't. I have always owned business and ran my own world, but after getting married selling my business, and having children I should have stayed home. I always felt like I was missing something. It was hard to be the nobody that had to wait for someone else to bring the money home. So I went to work with my husband and it seemed like a good idea when he put me in charge of the office. I realize this is not for me, and I messed up everything. I tried to get out of it but he kept giving me more and more things to do, till I finally stop doing them. 
I must have  ADHD  or something because I got so distracted I got nothing done. Then I lied about what I didn't get done, I lied about what I should have got done, or just like that have to listen to anybody talking to me. I hated this job more than anything, but I couldn't get out of it.
fast forward 7 years, and today my husband walked out on me. He called me some of the most vile things any human being could say. I guess I don't blame him.I just always thought I could fix everything, I am a total failure at life, friendships, anything you can think of. I have absolutely nothing to say I deserve all the bad that is coming to me.
I just wish I could disappear. I have 2 great kids, and they have kept me from killing myself to this point. I know that there will be a point shortly where I may take my life. I have lived  my life this way, lying, when I got in trouble or scared just to avoid the confrontation. I know I did wrong, and I know he has every right to say anything he wants to me, but i dont know how much I can take. It's really hard to hear such vile things come out of a man who is used to love you. I know he really love me two days ago when he cried instead he love me and want to make it work. But today he had a look in his eyes so let me know there is no tomorrow for us or ever.