I had a meltdown last night

Last night I had a freaking…………… big assed………………… weak moment… which is something I dont allow myself to do very often....  I have been unsettled for a couple days, and by that I just mean.... just overwhelmed... by everything...  Russ has been doing really good... the medication he is on, has really helped...he hasnt freaked out on me in a long time.   In fact its been calm, which maybe unsettles me a little bit I guess.. cause I am always waiting for the other shoe to drop .. u know?    I am really trying in our relationship... I still ... am not "in love" with him.  But I do love him, if that makes sense at all.     I feel bad..... cause he says he loves me all the time, and I just cant say it back.   I sometimes feel if I give to much... I am gonna be overtaken again, and "the me" that I did find, she will get lost and over ruled again.      I am trying to give as much as I can .... at a time, without losing myself.    Is that selfish?  Yeah I am sure it is... but u know what..  I have went a long time without thinking about me... and now that I got a little bit of that back.. I am not willing to give that up.....  Maybe someday I will trust enough, that I dont have to worry about that, but as for now, I am doing what I feel is right for me.    ok.. on to last night...  I stopped over at my mom and dads last night... just to say hi............just to be.... right?  Well for crying out loud ... that simple of a request, is too much to ask for apparently.   As soon as I got there...  mom started bitching about how pissed off she is at someone, and how bad of a day she had, and blah blah blah...    I just sat there.. and literlly shook my head.. wondering why I even bother... why even bother thinking anything would be different......  ....She is like ... what's wrong with u...   OMG... I mean..   u guys I LIVE a block from her... a block....  u know how many times she comes to my house?  or comes to see her grandchildren?  I cannot even tell u the last time ... she came to my house...  anyways.. getting off of the subject again...   I sat there.. and just shook my head.. and kind of got teary.. and just said I am sooo stressed out... sooo to which she goes.. about what...... .. lol ... Its just funny to me... that I live a block away .. and my mom doesnt know anything about my life...   So I started just venting, about talking about some stuff..   And  At first I was just teary eyed as I talked to my mom… I wasn’t crying, I had it together a little bit…  and then my dad came out of the bedroom, and said what’s wrong, what’s going on, and started rubbing the back of my neck, and I lost it…  then I couldn’t stop crying… not the sobbing kind of cry.. just the free flowing, cant stop, lump in ur throat kind......  My dad doesn’t get involved.. u know.. he sits back… and pretends everythings ok…. like I do… and doesn’t show emotion a lot like me…. he doesn’t touch a lot…   So when he took that step… it killed me… And knowing… that seeing me cry… killed him……. That hurt me.. cause I wasn’t being the strong ..Missy .. u know?   Which is exactly why I don’t let people get close to me, or touch me, when I am emotional… because I cant control the emotions...   My mom said it was the first time she has seen me cry in years..   She asked.... why is that?  I said cause I have to keep the face on, the brave one, the happy one, the one where nobody knows something is wrong….   How did that all happen last night?   I mean seriously…   I went there to say hi.. and she started bitching.. about something, and I just lost it ..  and I told her..   god mom .. if that’s all u have to worry and stress about, consider urself lucky…  there has not been one day in 9 months that I haven’t been stressed out or worried about something…  I said.. u guys have noo freaking idea… how much shit, and fights, and arguments I have been through…..How much unknowns, and what ifs.   How many what am I gonna do now… or What the hell do I do now… by myself….   How I cant freaking sleep or eat….  And all I do is worry.. and question… every little thing... I do.... How..... I freaking just want one day … one freaking good assed day… with no stress or worrying…   My mom asked… how come u have a hard time saying I love u to people…  And why when u get emotional, or upset, or feel something for someone, u cant look at them? And I just told her, that….. eyes show to much, looking into someone’s eyes, shows them and u ……  what the mouth cant say…  I don’t want to be weak, don’t want someone to know when they hurt me, when they have me vulnerable.    But today....  I have it all stuffed back down....   back to where I feel comfortable and dont feel like I am losing control...  I can put on the brave face again today and pretend I didnt lose it last night...   One thing mom asked me last night... that sticks out...  was  Would u of really left Russ...  and I said yah ... I wanted to..  I wasnt gonna be here.. I didnt plan on being here..  I was done,  I hated him..  didnt want to try anymore.... I couldnt stand being near him, couldnt stand looking at him....  But I tried for my girls.. and he really stepped up to the plate with them, doing things with them, hangin  out with them, being calm, being a totally diff person with me...   and I told her... whats scares me the most..   is that I am starting to miss him.. when he is gone,   I am starting to care for him ....   I dont want to go through ... what I went through.. the process that I had to last year.. to get out.. the grieving, and the anger and sadness... if this doesnt work out...   and arent I opening myself up to all of that again?  allowing it to happen..?   But by not doing that.. by not trying and giving it my best shot... I am not being fair to him.....  All I can say is that I am trying ...I really ..really am..  and I am just not gonna have anyone pushing me faster than what I am willing to go...  I want to enjoy the ride this time...  I dont want to get dragged around behind anymore.. and lil by little I am inching myself up to where I need to be...  and for now..  I think thats ok..