I had a meltdown last night
Last night I had a freaking…………… big assed………………… weak moment… which is something I dont allow myself to do very often.... I have been unsettled for a couple days, and by that I just mean.... just overwhelmed... by everything... Russ has been doing really good... the medication he is on, has really helped...he hasnt freaked out on me in a long time. In fact its been calm, which maybe unsettles me a little bit I guess.. cause I am always waiting for the other shoe to drop .. u know? I am really trying in our relationship... I still ... am not "in love" with him. But I do love him, if that makes sense at all. I feel bad..... cause he says he loves me all the time, and I just cant say it back. I sometimes feel if I give to much... I am gonna be overtaken again, and "the me" that I did find, she will get lost and over ruled again. I am trying to give as much as I can .... at a time, without losing myself. Is that selfish? Yeah I am sure it is... but u know what.. I have went a long time without thinking about me... and now that I got a little bit of that back.. I am not willing to give that up..... Maybe someday I will trust enough, that I dont have to worry about that, but as for now, I am doing what I feel is right for me. ok.. on to last night... I stopped over at my mom and dads last night... just to say hi............just to be.... right? Well for crying out loud ... that simple of a request, is too much to ask for apparently. As soon as I got there... mom started bitching about how pissed off she is at someone, and how bad of a day she had, and blah blah blah... I just sat there.. and literlly shook my head.. wondering why I even bother... why even bother thinking anything would be different...... ....She is like ... what's wrong with u... OMG... I mean.. u guys I LIVE a block from her... a block.... u know how many times she comes to my house? or comes to see her grandchildren? I cannot even tell u the last time ... she came to my house... anyways.. getting off of the subject again... I sat there.. and just shook my head.. and kind of got teary.. and just said I am sooo stressed out... sooo to which she goes.. about what...... .. lol ... Its just funny to me... that I live a block away .. and my mom doesnt know anything about my life... So I started just venting, about talking about some stuff.. And At first I was just teary eyed as I talked to my mom… I wasn’t crying, I had it together a little bit… and then my dad came out of the bedroom, and said what’s wrong, what’s going on, and started rubbing the back of my neck, and I lost it… then I couldn’t stop crying… not the sobbing kind of cry.. just the free flowing, cant stop, lump in ur throat kind...... My dad doesn’t get involved.. u know.. he sits back… and pretends everythings ok…. like I do… and doesn’t show emotion a lot like me…. he doesn’t touch a lot… So when he took that step… it killed me… And knowing… that seeing me cry… killed him……. That hurt me.. cause I wasn’t being the strong ..Missy .. u know? Which is exactly why I don’t let people get close to me, or touch me, when I am emotional… because I cant control the emotions... My mom said it was the first time she has seen me cry in years.. She asked.... why is that? I said cause I have to keep the face on, the brave one, the happy one, the one where nobody knows something is wrong…. How did that all happen last night? I mean seriously… I went there to say hi.. and she started bitching.. about something, and I just lost it .. and I told her.. god mom .. if that’s all u have to worry and stress about, consider urself lucky… there has not been one day in 9 months that I haven’t been stressed out or worried about something… I said.. u guys have noo freaking idea… how much shit, and fights, and arguments I have been through…..How much unknowns, and what ifs. How many what am I gonna do now… or What the hell do I do now… by myself…. How I cant freaking sleep or eat…. And all I do is worry.. and question… every little thing... I do.... How..... I freaking just want one day … one freaking good assed day… with no stress or worrying… My mom asked… how come u have a hard time saying I love u to people… And why when u get emotional, or upset, or feel something for someone, u cant look at them? And I just told her, that….. eyes show to much, looking into someone’s eyes, shows them and u …… what the mouth cant say… I don’t want to be weak, don’t want someone to know when they hurt me, when they have me vulnerable. But today.... I have it all stuffed back down.... back to where I feel comfortable and dont feel like I am losing control... I can put on the brave face again today and pretend I didnt lose it last night... One thing mom asked me last night... that sticks out... was Would u of really left Russ... and I said yah ... I wanted to.. I wasnt gonna be here.. I didnt plan on being here.. I was done, I hated him.. didnt want to try anymore.... I couldnt stand being near him, couldnt stand looking at him.... But I tried for my girls.. and he really stepped up to the plate with them, doing things with them, hangin out with them, being calm, being a totally diff person with me... and I told her... whats scares me the most.. is that I am starting to miss him.. when he is gone, I am starting to care for him .... I dont want to go through ... what I went through.. the process that I had to last year.. to get out.. the grieving, and the anger and sadness... if this doesnt work out... and arent I opening myself up to all of that again? allowing it to happen..? But by not doing that.. by not trying and giving it my best shot... I am not being fair to him..... All I can say is that I am trying ...I really ..really am.. and I am just not gonna have anyone pushing me faster than what I am willing to go... I want to enjoy the ride this time... I dont want to get dragged around behind anymore.. and lil by little I am inching myself up to where I need to be... and for now.. I think thats ok..