I guess I'm not as alone as I thought.

So after I went into my really bad phase a few days ago, I tried to push the only real friend I had away. I told her to do herself a favour leave me alone and find better friends cause all I bring is pain and misery to people's lives. And then something happened that has never happened to me before, she didn't give up on me. No matter how bitchy I was or how many times I told her to leave me alone, she kept asking about me, she cared, she wouldn't give up on me, and for the first time I felt like there was someone out there who cared about me. There was someone out there that actually didn't give up on me when I gave up on myself. For the first time in my life I wasn't feeling like I was alone in the world.
After three days of crying in my bed and thinking about nothing but suicide I finally talked to her and I'm staying at her place. I admitted that I didn't want to be alone. I never do that. I asked for a hug, also not something I usually do, in front of people I pretend I don't like emotions and showing feelings and all that. But today was different. For the first time ever, I realized I wasn't as alone as I thought I was. I still have all that pain in me. I still feel worthless, I still think that I bring misery to everyone associated with me, and I'm in so much pain on the inside that I can't get rid of, but I now know one thing I never did until this morning, I'm not as alone as I thought I was. I can't get rid of the thoughts of suicide, I can't stop my craving to cut, and I can't numb my pain, but at least I'm not alone, and for now that's a whole lot more than I had yesterday.