I give up
In my last journal entry I wrote about my friend Emma and how I was so sad for her in the loss of her husband and wanted to do something for her. I know the main thing is to be there for her. Turns out, I couldn't even do that. The visitation was today. I'd taken a test drive there earlier to make sure I could find the place because it's not in the town where I live. I went there for the visitation later and there was no parking nearby the funeral home. So, I parked in the lower lot. As I started walking to the home my heart began to race. My face started sweating. My hands started shaking. The derealization set in. I felt like I had to leave. The place was packed with people. A lady who opened the door for me looked at me funny. I know she noticed my shaking and sweating. I went in, signed the guest book and left. I didn't even go in and see my friend.
I went home, cried and went to bed. Frank came home from work and came into the guest room where I was sleeping. He asked me what was wrong and I said "nothing". He left and went to play pool. When he came home several hours later he asked me to talk to him and I told him that I know he doesn't understand my problem but that I'd had a horrible panic attack and couldn't stay at the visitation. His response was this........"I don't know why you just can't stop it. You can go into WalMart with me but you can't be there for your best friend." I sat and cried and he finally went to bed. He's right, you know.
I think I'm done trying. I will never get better. I'm done. I'm a failure. I'm just not a good person at all. I don't deserve anything good.
I went home, cried and went to bed. Frank came home from work and came into the guest room where I was sleeping. He asked me what was wrong and I said "nothing". He left and went to play pool. When he came home several hours later he asked me to talk to him and I told him that I know he doesn't understand my problem but that I'd had a horrible panic attack and couldn't stay at the visitation. His response was this........"I don't know why you just can't stop it. You can go into WalMart with me but you can't be there for your best friend." I sat and cried and he finally went to bed. He's right, you know.
I think I'm done trying. I will never get better. I'm done. I'm a failure. I'm just not a good person at all. I don't deserve anything good.
Replies
I really feel for you. You are not a bad person at all. You had it in your heart to be there for your best friend. You can\'t blame yourself for your condition. I\'m sure if your friend knows you well enough she would understand. Men are wired so differently then women that they just can\'t understand. What he said was harsh but I think it\'s because he\'s frustrated and doesn\'t want to see you hurting. You are not a failure and you deserve so much good. I wish I could give you a real hug as I think you could use one.
Hey there Kacey :) Yeah, guys like to be able to fix things and they don\'t handle it well when they can\'t. (!) What he said was hurtful :( . I had to point out to my husband that just coz he didn\'t understand, doesn\'t mean it isn\'t so. And when he says stuff like that it really hurts, just makes it a lot worse and harder to deal with. I asked him if he could (even tho he doesn\'t understand) just give me a hug and that him being there for me would help more than anything.
So here\'s a hug for ya anyway - its so not your fault :)
Kacey, there is no need for you to feel bad. You have an illness just like the rest of us here. We are doing our best, but sometimes situations overwhelm us. You went way above the call, by making the drive ahead of time so you were familiar with the route. You got there and signed the guestbook. Under the circumstance you did the absolute best you could do and I commend you for it. You are my heroine and an inspiration to me. You didn\'t fail and you were there for your friend, but the illness dictated that you couldn\'t stay. You did not fail. You can explain to your friend what happened and I hope she will understand. You are a strong and wonderful woman and a very good friend. Be kind to yourself. You gave it your BEST, and you did just fine. Take care of yourself my friend, and accept yourself just as you would accept any of us here. We all do the best that we can at the time, with what we have to work with. I\'m sorry Frank doesn\'t understand and sometime our partners can\'t know how it is for us. Bless you my friend. xoxo Mike
Oh honey, it\'s okay (hugs) I think there was a lot of people, and that probably made you nervous. I\'m sure if you explain to your friend what happened, she\'d understand. Dusty Kitty is right about men. He probably was just wondering. Stores have a lot of spaces. Funeral homes, do not. I\'ve been to two wakes and I get creeped out easily. It feels cold that people do die, but then I realize, there is a place for them. Heaven. All of those factors probably just shook you up a bit. (hugs) don\'t be so hard on yourself - you did NOT fail.
Oh Kacey darlin\' PLEASE DO NOT BEAT YOURSELF UP! You are NOT a failure, you ARE a good person and you DO deserve the best life has to offer! This is a disease and even when we think we have it totally under control something like this happens that makes it come in full force. You signed the guest book, I am sure Emma will understand, it sounds like you two have been pretty close, so I am sure she knows about your anxiety and if not, just be honest with her!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
As far as Frank, yea what he said was rather cold, but he just doesn\'t get it and never will, not his fault, but unless you live with anxiety you will never totally understand it! Try to talk to frank when you are not so upset and explain it to him! If he loves you he will at least try to understand!
You helped me through so much in my past life, more than anybody in the begining and for that I know you are a wonderfully kind hearted woman who would do anything in the world for anybody! So don\'t beat yourself up for this! We can only do what we can do!
I am so sorry for your loss, but remember sweetiepie....we have a disease and it is not by choice!Sometimes we can go to walmart and other times we can\'t! a funeral or wake is a totally different situation.
I love you girl
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
Jeanelle
Aww hunnie *hugs* Please don\'t ever think of yourself as failure or a bad person - cuz your NOT! You are a wonderful and amazing person, I know your friend will understand sweetie. Panic attacks are so awful! We don\'t get to choose when we have them and they do tend to sneak up on us. I\'m so sorry what Frank said...sometimes it\'s hard for people without these disabilities to understand what we are going through...I know Daniel doesn\'t and he sometimes says things that hurt me too. Your friend is VERY luck and blessed to have you - you have such a good heart and you did your best - that\'s all that matters. I\'m here for you sweetie and if you ever need to talk - please message me.
Love and big hugs to you sweetheart. xx