I forgot what day it was...
Hi Sisters...Sunday was 20 weeks since I lost Cassi and in my mind was the 5 month mark. I suffered a lot more than the previous weekend but after the dreaded Sunday was over I thought I would be granted a slight reprieve...My husband came home from work early today. He said his stomach was in knots, which has been a physical symptom of his grief...but today was different. Usually solid as a rock (I have often called him cold) he was emotional and needy...he said that it hit him hard, today being the 2nd of the month, what he considered 5 months. I am at a loss...how on earth could I have overlooked that??? When I swore to hate both Sundays as well as the 2nd day of every month the rest of my days in this life??? February 2...Second month, Second day, She was 22...she is 22...trying very hard not to slide down the slippery slope of "What kind of mother...". My brain isn't operating at capacity...I can't concentrate very well, I often forget the day of the week, much less the date of the month. I can't succumb to self-pity and guilt, my husband needs me now. There is nothing I can do other than be here for him...but I am reassuring him, I actually heard myself say, "It's going to be okay, We are going to be okay." I don't know if I believe it, but I know there have been times I have needed to hear it, even if I didn't believe it. No matter our differences...and we have been discovering them lately, he lost his daughter too. We brought her into the world together and had to let her go together. The odds are not good...a marriage surviving the loss of a child, but I hope we make it. Cassi loved us and wanted us together, that itself is reason enough for me.
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All part of grief unfortunately and seems to last forever. Just take a deep breath and one step at a time. On certain Days I still whisper it to myself in disbelief my Matthew isn\'t here. Hugs to you and cassi!
Gina, for me there came a time when I wasn\'t as aware of the 4th of each month or how long it had been since Ed left for Heaven. To put a positive spin on this I decided that this was a glimpse of the healing that is taking hold. Perhaps your healing is beginning or perhaps today you just needed to be in a good place to help your husband since today he was hit hard with the sadness of missing Cassi. You did nothing wrong. Your love is so real and evident. Even if we begin to have gentler days, our love and grief is always there. But the grief gets lighter as our love remains strong. And it is ok to heal. I know Cassi wants you to be well. Love, Linda
The concept of time is surreal and I\'m grateful you can be there for your husband today... I remember telling mine that I always hoped that when one of us was having a really hard day that the other would not be because when we were both in that dark abyss together it was so very painful.
The loss of a child on a marriage is a huge stressor, yet there are many of us here who have made it and still are... I know that there is no one who loves our son like I do, but his dad comes pretty darn close. :) The history that we have and the fact that he is ours counts for something and I know if there were any shreds of hope to hang onto and if the marriage was still serving us all in some way that our children would be so happy that we were all still making a go of it.
Gentle care and believe me, I still get my days all mixed up and have found that I\'m not alone with that either. We all do... The grief brain is its own unique entity.
Heartfelt (((hugs))) and just keep walking as you are,
XO Joanie
Gina, my meds are \"kicking\" in a bit here so I will ramble...What stands out to me is about the dates. Michael died on a Saturday before Thanksgiving. A 22nd day of the month. Later, I thought, am I supposed to feel sadder on Saturdays, or the 22nd? One year, Thanksgiving fell on November 22nd. That is a Thursday. So, now, when should I feel sadder? :-). And I realized that I miss Michael no more on any of these dates than I do any other day of the year and learned to not put any emphasis on a number on a calendar. Our memories are definitely more poignant and present during holidays and memorable occasions, but can only \"get to us\" as much as we allow them to. Just me. Love you.
Peace,
I often wrote about hating Tuesdays and the 2nd day of the month in the beginning of my journey. I remember one journal in particular where I was cursing the day....feeling totally miserable because it was either a Tuesday or the 2nd. Well, the next day I discovered THAT day was actually Tues. or the 2nd (can\'t remember which). Anyway, that showed me that it wasn\'t the day or the date...it was ME, my thinking, my broken heart and broken mind, making one day more terrible than another because of a calendar. I stopped siking myself up for Tuesdays and 2nds having to be horrible. If they were, they were, if they weren\'t, they weren\'t. But I refused to let it be because some damn calendar said so.
Let it go darling. It\'s hard enough to survive this nightmare without adding fuel to the fire of our grief by expecting one day to be worse than the other just because of what day of the week it is. This is my advice.
Love you!
Love to Cassi!
I know the odds of a marriage surviving after the loss of a child. But Joe and I have survived.
The reality has kicked in for your husband. It sounds like you were a comfort to him. You are so right; we need the reassurance that things will be okay, even when we don\'t believe it. I still cry a lot but I laugh a lot too. Life really does get better. I will never be the person I was before, and I will always miss Lisa and shed tears, but life is good too.
We are walking this road together.
Love to Cassi.
Love and hugs,
Marlene
As for the days, the first of the month was a dread but now it is \'just another day\'.
The not feeling.... The not knowing....the overlooking of things seems to be part of this journey. As I have looked back over the 6 yrs since I lost my sons, it\'s those times of overlooking things & not feeling, that were my numb times.
The numbness could by the body\'s way of protecting itself so the reality can slowly sink in. Be gentle with yourself & please know it\'s ok to overlook things.
As you & your husband find ways to deal with this tragedy, my thoughts & prayers are with you. Sometimes you will grieve together but sometimes you may want to grieve alone, but you can do both as a couple. We are on this journey with you holding your hand & understanding your heart. Sending many hugs to gently hold you & to let you know you are cared about & loved.
My daughter died on Jan/18/2003 a Saturday at around 6:00am. I knew when the nurse called this was the day I will see my daughter for the last time. I don,t An gel Days, Her birthday but not the day of her death. It is to depressing to me. Your in grieve right now. your daughter has not been gone that long atr all. It will get easier as time goes on but right now the turmoil the deep greive takes time.. Bless your angel Hugs mary ann