I find myself here
The darkness of the morning came with a foreboding sense.
I felt hopeless at my seeming ineptitude, illness, weakness of mind and incompetence in life.
How the heck am I going to survive?, I thought.
I seem to have such imbalance. Such body energy that usurps my mind
and insecurity (from having little control) and mental weakness at the thought of finding and then protecting
any quality of talent or pride which comes to mind. What choices do I make to move forward and accept?
Is this the correct choice? ... and what does it mean? Do I shrink from who might attack it and my own critique as well?
I found myself there, and I surrended to my fate - very grateful to have been taken
in by the Abbess and the monastic family. I will do my best here and I will also try my best at the work at the market.
In my vulnerability to expose myself to others close to me - for fear of rejection or weaponization
of what I express - I realized I need to find something. something that is just mine - and no one
can take it from me... like writing poetry or these journals - something that I will always - have
and yes there will be incoming slings and arrows - each person may present those -
but everyone I am finding exists in that kind of state.
They are holding on to something that sustains them and they're vulnerable as well.
So yes - with the progression of the coming of the morning light - and steadfast holding on to
the blessings of where I am now - thoughtfullness on my outlook, my mood has lifted and I wanted to come here and write
about it.
Sending blessings and peace,
xx
Mark
Replies
Big hug, markus. You are where you are right now in this moment in a place where you can process then land at some peace. I read something recently about learning that you can have sad emotions or other emotions and still be doing ok. Simple really, but it lent an idea to me to really harness my emotions and put them into proper perspective….and to not be so afraid to talk about them with other people. I tend to think that’s where the real intimacy lives between humans. Respecting, acknowledging, and processing emotions in a sort of fellowship with humanity.
We strive to live peacefully, but I don’t feel I could do that until I have learned the ways of my emotions and how to link it all together to a bigger picture…..
I hear you on wanting something all your own that belongs to you, despite « slings and arrows » as you said. I guess I strive for that in local places rather than outwardly…in my humble bohemian city apartment and in my community.
Enjoy the community you are in at this moment and take in all the lessons you can, and you will apply it in the next chapter, I’m sure.
Thanks Nikki!
With such insight into your mind and surroundings, I'm sure you "keeping on keeping on" will find all that you seek through Faith <3
thanks mary louise! I was just driving back from O'Lordon's and I was thinking about what I talked to Arfie about in another journal.
The awareness she and I talked about made me realize on the drive home, that if indeed I have financial goals, then I need to keep
on with that kind of productive mentality. I can get lost in questioning things and so needing psychological or spiritual answers
to things too. It's like surface living for me and then deeper stuff. Makes me think of that phrase "Man does not eat by bread alone."
I just know - that when I mentioned to Arfie that sometimes it seemed like I manufactured my own problems - it gave me awareness
enough to see the duality that I just talked about - money concerns and then also the deeper stuff. I need to not get lost in one over the other - I can keep pretty orderly about my finances....and now I am going to start thinking in terms of financial goals. I'll still keep living life - and treating myself occasionally - and keep my accounting books in order - but I'll remember to pay my savings account as my first bill. NO matter how small or big. At the very least - something.
Here are some good tips for saving money:
https://bettermoneyhabits.bankofamerica.com/en/saving-budgeting/ways-to-save-money
That's the ticket Mark....paying "yourself first".
I don't know if this will help you, it's what I do.
I have a set income of ss and pension. On the first/third of every month direct deposit.
By the third all my bills have been paid from the previous month.
What Ever I Have Left Over from the '''set income of ss/pension"" I put into savings
9 But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me. 10 That is why, for Christ’s sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong. ~2 Corinthians 12:9-11 (NIV)
i am growing more and more convinced that my mental strengths have caused far more of my mental illness than the weaknesses. my strength is what keeps me from admitting my vulnerabilities and reaching out in times of need. my strength protects me from healing hopes far more than my weakness is even capable of protecting. when i am relying on my mental strengths, i have the flexibility of an iron rail.
thanks susan and mary louise and arfie!!