I find it hard to make posts..

I always find myself reading people's posts, but when I decide I have something to say, I type it up and realize that no one cares what I think.  Or I worry that the girls on here will think I'm some strange guy trying to hit on them by being nice.  And I can't start threads because what if I say the wrong thing? What if I say how I feel and someone tells me I don't have ED or they do think I have ED?  I don't know which is worse, to be thought of as crazy or to have it all be in my head and find out that I've been hurting myself of my own freewill and there's actually nothing wrong with me.  I don't even think that makes sense, but whatever..
I'm feeling depressed right now, I don't really know why.  I tried to sleep for a few hours, but suicide and SI are all that I can think about.  I'd like to hit to get the thoughts out of my head, because hitting leaves less of a mark than cutting, but it's also much noisier and would wake someone up.  I'm stuck with these thoughts, at least until my sleep medicine kicks in.  I wish I would contract a fatal illness.  Anything to put a shorter expiration date on me, so I could know that I didn't have to endure this much longer.  Maybe if I was actually dying, I would appreciate what time I have left.