I finally get it
I almost broke out my laptop to write this bc I think I might type too fast for the bb. I'm so fucking happy and excited right now that I have to get it out of me and tell someone about it.
I wasn't left by J!!!! Let me clarify- he walked away from me- that did happen. And all the while I thought it was bc of me. I thought he loved me and then I did something wrong and he realized that I wasn't what he thought I was. Turns out I was almost right- he loved the sense that he owned and manipulated me. And it turns out I wasn't what he thought- and that's an awesome thing!!! He thought I was weak and pathetic with low self esteem and a troubled past that wouldn't allow me to see him for what he was- he left bc he realized that although yes- I do have low self esteem and yes my past is troubled- but I am not weak and pathetic!!! That was why he lost interest- not bc I wasn't great- bc I wasn't weak and pathetic enough for him. He's an emotional predator. He sensed my shitty self esteem and thought I was a good target for his bullshit. But I'm an analyst by nature- he underestimated my ability to analyze. Once his stories stopped adding up I started calling him out on the inconsistencies. That's when the mind fucking started (well- that's when it reached its full potential- the mind fuck was on from day 1) and he had a good run- I listened for a while. But then I got too demanding. He kept telling me he loved me. So in my head I thought that there are certain ways a man acts when he loves you. I know this is a true statement. A man who loves you will walk the earth for you. And this guy said he loved me- and I believed him- at first. No one had ever said that to me before and not mEant it. So shit started happening that didn't add up with him being in love with me. Like once while we were tExting he said "keep acting like that and you're really gonna make me fall hard for you". I was like what? Didn't you already say you were in love with me? But I didn't say anything to him. At that point there were many inconsistencies. For instance- I texted him and he didn't get it and he actually had the fucking balls to say to me "I don't really text like that". BULLSHIT!!!!! Our entire fucking relationship was tExt based. I don't give myself too much credit bc I did try to make excuses for him- but I do deserve a hell of a lot of credit for not just allowing the inconsistencies to be unspoken of. That's why he left!!!! He never loved me. I was a game. He is an emotional predator and I was is prey.
I was the PERFECT target. Bored with my life. Low self esteem. Questionable morals (even though everything in me was trying to change at the time). AND- I'm a fucking talker! That's right- I told that motherfucker everything about me. I almost made it easy for him.
I remember when we first met. He tried about 3 different approaches before he found the one that worked for me. At first he was the rough neck cop who didn't like what he did but was hanging in there until it was done. I liked that part- but not enough to take my pants off. Enter in the arrogance and narcisscism. Trying to act like he was above it all. I was impressed with his intelligence but that was an epic fail as far as getting me to want him. Arrogance disgusts me. Then I saw he wasn't wearing a ring and I asked him point blank if he cheated on his wife. He vaguely responded at first- said he only cheated in different time zones. He was in the military and he'd been away for a while on tours in other countries. He fucked up with that one bc I was in the same time zone and he made it real clear from the beginning that he was interested in me. And I'm a ball breaker by nature so I harped on that shit. Whenever he made a pass at me I would say- hold on now- I'm in the same time zone. So that fucked that one up. Then he narrowed it to zip code. I repeatedly called him Mr. Time zone and mister zip code. Then there was the line about he only fucks with professional women. He called him self a professional hoe. He said he only cheated w women who had as much to lose as he did. I think he thought that would get me. It didn't. When I met J I was very clear that I wanted to settle down and that I was done with my shaky past. Eventually- after several tries- he found the right personality that would hook me. Turns out this one was easy for him. He just had to be a therapist and he already was that! A therapist with a hard on who made me fill out questionnaires divulging my intimate past and he held me while we went over the analysis of them! That's the night we fucked around for the first time. That's the night I fell in love. That's what made me finally abandon all my morals and mess with a married man. I fell in love. To me it stopped being a choice at that point. If I would have walked away I would have spent the rest of my life wondering what might have been. That was not an option for me. Oh yeah- I forgot to mention- before I started fucking around with him he contradicted that whole "professional hoe" story with saying that he got into year long relationships with the women he cheated with. He said he was a "faithful cheater." I won't lie and say that didn't sway me- I definitely wasn't trying for a one night stand. God man- I was being PLAYED!!!! It was all a game.
But here's why I'm happy- I knew it was a game- but I thought he won. I thought he got the best of me- and he didn't!! I won! Yes- he got sex from me. Yes- he got me to fall in love with him. But he didn't get to feel superior for long! That night he left I'll never forget. He left me bc I told him that since he made it very clear that he wasn't going to leave his wife that there was no possibility of a future for us. I told him that I hadn't given up on my dreams of having a family and since he wasnt trying to leave his wife- him and I would have to inevitably come to an end. He looked like I just killed his dog. Like the life had just been sucked from him. He kept saying- "how long?". Like how long was I planning on staying. I had an answer in my head but I wasn't gonna tell him bc if I changed my mind I didn't want my answer to be a license for him to say it was okay to act one way or the next towards me. I told him that I'm with him right now and I wanted to be there and that was all I could give him. Not good enough for him. At this exact moment I finally realize that in that moment I took the upper hand. He couldn't be with a woman who could leave at any time- esp not when he went through so much effort to make sure I would be entranced with his brilliance and compassion and nEver be able to leave.
Of course he did everything possible to slit my throat when he left. He couldn't just come out and say we were looking for different things and so he wanted to end it - NOOO! That would have been giving me a sense of esteem, a sense of control. No- he was waaaay to smart for that. That's when the utter bullshit took over and the subtle insults ran rabid! See the thing about me that is pretty obvious to anyone who meets me is that I don't take shit from anyone. People know that if they are going to insult me without being verbally destroyed then they're gonna have to be more slick than just a straight "fuck you." J picked right up on that. He called me an abuser. He told me he wanted a woman with a "soft hand"- he knew that one got to me bc I repeatedly commented about how men were scared of me. The first time we messed around he looked me in the eyes and said "why would any man ever be scared of you?" Then when he walks its "I need a woman with a slow hand," It was slow or soft- one of them. And "Jen, you're beautiful and crazy, sexy, cool- but I just can't deal with your 'in your face' tactics." BULLSHIT! He couldn't deal with me not being a doormat! That's what he couldn't deal with. He was a walking contradiction. The night we hooked up he said "to know you is to love you." When he walked he told me I was basically too unstable to love and CITED MY PAST!!!! He knew how hard it was to talk about my past- esp my relationship w my father. And he fucking cited that as a reason for why I was too messed up to be with!!!
Wow. I get it now. So many women on this site told me to be glad he's not with me anymore and to be glad he's moved on to a new victim. I never could be happy about him moving on. I took it personally. I thought he abandoned me. Until now.
Every woman in this world should read "how to spot a dangerous man before you get involved" by Sandra L Brown. Every woman who has every been destroyed by a man and doesn't really understand why it happened needs to read this book! You're not meant to understand until is too late- these men make sure of it!!!! The world is choc full o dangerous fucking men just waiting to use you for your kindness and compassion and throw you away when they're done. Don't let them! We are better than that! We just have to listen to ourselves and pay attention to our red flags! They tell all!!!
I feel like the weight of the world just got lifted off my shoulders.
I wasn't left by J!!!! Let me clarify- he walked away from me- that did happen. And all the while I thought it was bc of me. I thought he loved me and then I did something wrong and he realized that I wasn't what he thought I was. Turns out I was almost right- he loved the sense that he owned and manipulated me. And it turns out I wasn't what he thought- and that's an awesome thing!!! He thought I was weak and pathetic with low self esteem and a troubled past that wouldn't allow me to see him for what he was- he left bc he realized that although yes- I do have low self esteem and yes my past is troubled- but I am not weak and pathetic!!! That was why he lost interest- not bc I wasn't great- bc I wasn't weak and pathetic enough for him. He's an emotional predator. He sensed my shitty self esteem and thought I was a good target for his bullshit. But I'm an analyst by nature- he underestimated my ability to analyze. Once his stories stopped adding up I started calling him out on the inconsistencies. That's when the mind fucking started (well- that's when it reached its full potential- the mind fuck was on from day 1) and he had a good run- I listened for a while. But then I got too demanding. He kept telling me he loved me. So in my head I thought that there are certain ways a man acts when he loves you. I know this is a true statement. A man who loves you will walk the earth for you. And this guy said he loved me- and I believed him- at first. No one had ever said that to me before and not mEant it. So shit started happening that didn't add up with him being in love with me. Like once while we were tExting he said "keep acting like that and you're really gonna make me fall hard for you". I was like what? Didn't you already say you were in love with me? But I didn't say anything to him. At that point there were many inconsistencies. For instance- I texted him and he didn't get it and he actually had the fucking balls to say to me "I don't really text like that". BULLSHIT!!!!! Our entire fucking relationship was tExt based. I don't give myself too much credit bc I did try to make excuses for him- but I do deserve a hell of a lot of credit for not just allowing the inconsistencies to be unspoken of. That's why he left!!!! He never loved me. I was a game. He is an emotional predator and I was is prey.
I was the PERFECT target. Bored with my life. Low self esteem. Questionable morals (even though everything in me was trying to change at the time). AND- I'm a fucking talker! That's right- I told that motherfucker everything about me. I almost made it easy for him.
I remember when we first met. He tried about 3 different approaches before he found the one that worked for me. At first he was the rough neck cop who didn't like what he did but was hanging in there until it was done. I liked that part- but not enough to take my pants off. Enter in the arrogance and narcisscism. Trying to act like he was above it all. I was impressed with his intelligence but that was an epic fail as far as getting me to want him. Arrogance disgusts me. Then I saw he wasn't wearing a ring and I asked him point blank if he cheated on his wife. He vaguely responded at first- said he only cheated in different time zones. He was in the military and he'd been away for a while on tours in other countries. He fucked up with that one bc I was in the same time zone and he made it real clear from the beginning that he was interested in me. And I'm a ball breaker by nature so I harped on that shit. Whenever he made a pass at me I would say- hold on now- I'm in the same time zone. So that fucked that one up. Then he narrowed it to zip code. I repeatedly called him Mr. Time zone and mister zip code. Then there was the line about he only fucks with professional women. He called him self a professional hoe. He said he only cheated w women who had as much to lose as he did. I think he thought that would get me. It didn't. When I met J I was very clear that I wanted to settle down and that I was done with my shaky past. Eventually- after several tries- he found the right personality that would hook me. Turns out this one was easy for him. He just had to be a therapist and he already was that! A therapist with a hard on who made me fill out questionnaires divulging my intimate past and he held me while we went over the analysis of them! That's the night we fucked around for the first time. That's the night I fell in love. That's what made me finally abandon all my morals and mess with a married man. I fell in love. To me it stopped being a choice at that point. If I would have walked away I would have spent the rest of my life wondering what might have been. That was not an option for me. Oh yeah- I forgot to mention- before I started fucking around with him he contradicted that whole "professional hoe" story with saying that he got into year long relationships with the women he cheated with. He said he was a "faithful cheater." I won't lie and say that didn't sway me- I definitely wasn't trying for a one night stand. God man- I was being PLAYED!!!! It was all a game.
But here's why I'm happy- I knew it was a game- but I thought he won. I thought he got the best of me- and he didn't!! I won! Yes- he got sex from me. Yes- he got me to fall in love with him. But he didn't get to feel superior for long! That night he left I'll never forget. He left me bc I told him that since he made it very clear that he wasn't going to leave his wife that there was no possibility of a future for us. I told him that I hadn't given up on my dreams of having a family and since he wasnt trying to leave his wife- him and I would have to inevitably come to an end. He looked like I just killed his dog. Like the life had just been sucked from him. He kept saying- "how long?". Like how long was I planning on staying. I had an answer in my head but I wasn't gonna tell him bc if I changed my mind I didn't want my answer to be a license for him to say it was okay to act one way or the next towards me. I told him that I'm with him right now and I wanted to be there and that was all I could give him. Not good enough for him. At this exact moment I finally realize that in that moment I took the upper hand. He couldn't be with a woman who could leave at any time- esp not when he went through so much effort to make sure I would be entranced with his brilliance and compassion and nEver be able to leave.
Of course he did everything possible to slit my throat when he left. He couldn't just come out and say we were looking for different things and so he wanted to end it - NOOO! That would have been giving me a sense of esteem, a sense of control. No- he was waaaay to smart for that. That's when the utter bullshit took over and the subtle insults ran rabid! See the thing about me that is pretty obvious to anyone who meets me is that I don't take shit from anyone. People know that if they are going to insult me without being verbally destroyed then they're gonna have to be more slick than just a straight "fuck you." J picked right up on that. He called me an abuser. He told me he wanted a woman with a "soft hand"- he knew that one got to me bc I repeatedly commented about how men were scared of me. The first time we messed around he looked me in the eyes and said "why would any man ever be scared of you?" Then when he walks its "I need a woman with a slow hand," It was slow or soft- one of them. And "Jen, you're beautiful and crazy, sexy, cool- but I just can't deal with your 'in your face' tactics." BULLSHIT! He couldn't deal with me not being a doormat! That's what he couldn't deal with. He was a walking contradiction. The night we hooked up he said "to know you is to love you." When he walked he told me I was basically too unstable to love and CITED MY PAST!!!! He knew how hard it was to talk about my past- esp my relationship w my father. And he fucking cited that as a reason for why I was too messed up to be with!!!
Wow. I get it now. So many women on this site told me to be glad he's not with me anymore and to be glad he's moved on to a new victim. I never could be happy about him moving on. I took it personally. I thought he abandoned me. Until now.
Every woman in this world should read "how to spot a dangerous man before you get involved" by Sandra L Brown. Every woman who has every been destroyed by a man and doesn't really understand why it happened needs to read this book! You're not meant to understand until is too late- these men make sure of it!!!! The world is choc full o dangerous fucking men just waiting to use you for your kindness and compassion and throw you away when they're done. Don't let them! We are better than that! We just have to listen to ourselves and pay attention to our red flags! They tell all!!!
I feel like the weight of the world just got lifted off my shoulders.
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