I felt the utter hopelessness without my Smokey

I felt the utter hopelessness without my Smokey this afternoon and just poured out my heart felt tears.  I can't see life without my Smokey.  What's the point?  The apartment is like a ghost apartment without my Smokey.  I am living in it but it is so very empty without Smokey.  It feels so very empty.  Smokey's birthday is this Friday on April 30th.  It is hitting me hard.  I wish I could have died along with Smokey.  I don't see the point of continuing on anymore without him.  I did my errand in the morning, met my brother for lunch at the DQ, came home and made spaghetti, cried & mourned my loss of Smokey, typing on DS now and Don is coming over for dinner around 5:30 p.m.  It is 4:10 p.m. at the moment.  Things get screwed up, fixed up and life goes on.   Who really cares about anything anymore?  I wished I could have died along with Smokey.  I would then be at peace.  LIfe sucks as I am the one left behind to deal with life, love, pain and the hole damn thing.