I feel worse now

I thought I was fine after that last journal. I thought I could talk to my boyfriend after that, I love talking to him. But, I guess I wasn't ok. I feel worse than when I wrote that last journal.
I don't know why I'm in so much fuckin pain. My head hurts, I took pills a while ago for my physical pain and it hasn't worked a bit. I've been so tired and depressed for the last 3 days that I've been away from everyone and haven't been talking to many people  lately because being in pain for a very long time and being depressed and having arthritis makes my extremely tired. So, I've been sleeping way more than I usually do. I usually sleep for 6 hours, but lately it's been 10 hours. I can't stay sleep either, I keep waking up almost every hour every time I do try to go to sleep.
I love my boyfriend alot and I've been away from him the most and have been pushing him away alot lately. I know he understands, I've explained it so much that he should understand by now. But, I just want to be with him without worrying how my mood is gonna be in the next 5 minutes.
I try not to be depressed like this, I try to ignore it and just pretend to be happy anyway. But, I don't like faking an emotion. I've done that for way too long now. I've always covered this up, many people who know me know nothing about this. Mainly because when I let people who I think are close to me know about this, they just decide to not wanna be around me anymore. So, only a few people know, but they don't know much about it.
My head and my chest and the rest of my body hurt me almost everyday and I just want the pain to stop. I'm trying so hard not to just beat myself up because I said to my boyfriend that I wouldn't.
I really just don't know what to fuckin do about anything anymore.