I feel torn apart
I just finished a journal assignment for my literature class. I really don't want to go specifically into what was involved in it, but...it felt very triggering.
The short way to put it is that this was about inner conflict. (sigh) I have conflicts, all right...
...ones like what in the name of (cuckoo) am I doing studying for a profession that requires working with people when it feels like I'm years away from being comfortable around them, if ever (this was the one that came out for the journal)...
...like why am I even bothering to try to find something to take my edge off when I know in my heart that I can use anything and everything to hide...
...like why I am bothering with my current seroquel dose because it's obvious I'm not feeling any better from it (the answer to that is probably because I'm sick of talking about it)...
...(sigh) Some assignments I wish I hadn't done. This was one of them. Ugh.
The short way to put it is that this was about inner conflict. (sigh) I have conflicts, all right...
...ones like what in the name of (cuckoo) am I doing studying for a profession that requires working with people when it feels like I'm years away from being comfortable around them, if ever (this was the one that came out for the journal)...
...like why am I even bothering to try to find something to take my edge off when I know in my heart that I can use anything and everything to hide...
...like why I am bothering with my current seroquel dose because it's obvious I'm not feeling any better from it (the answer to that is probably because I'm sick of talking about it)...
...(sigh) Some assignments I wish I hadn't done. This was one of them. Ugh.
Replies
Aw my friend I\'m sorry you got triggered...but it does bring up some good issues...I think it\'s awesome that you\'re going after a profession that involves dealing with people...and I think someday it might actually be a key to getting over a lot of stuff! And I know it must be endlessly frustrating to deal with the \'hiding\' stuff, but you\'ll get there...you ARE IN CONTROL...just remember that, okay? Hugs to ya
I might be in control but I seem to have a master\'s in losing a grip on said control (see today\'s entry). :( The only good that came from it is the idea that I\'m probably going to have to look up guided sleep meditations on YouTube and use a converter to make mp3 files from them. (sigh) I wish I wasn\'t bugged so easily...