I Feel Like I'm Losing It!!
I literally feel like I am falling apart. Both physically and mentally. I'm so lost at what to do, where to go from here. I want to run away and never look back, never come back. Or curl up in a ball and cry for months straight.
I'm exhausted but I can't sleep. I'm awake all night until my body forces me to quit. Then I'm tired all day because I have to get up early. I go days at a time with no more then two or three hours of sleep a night. Joey get's angry and tells me it's all my doing, and it sort of is, since it is my brain keeping me awake. But it's not intentional. He can lay down and close his eyes and be asleep in moments. I can lay down, close my eyes, and lay there up to five hours before I sleep. I've tried OTC medication, and I'm going to ask my doc about sleep meds when I have my doc appointment in the first week of January.
I'm also so tired of my relationship. Yet I can't let go. I'm not strong enough I guess. Not brave enough. I'm just a weak coward, just like Joey never misses an opportunity to point out. I'm overweight, I don't cook enough or good enough, I don't clean good enough, I don't dress nice, I don't enjoy what he does, therefore I enjoy nothing, I don't try enough new things, I can't fix things like he can so I'm stupid. I don't make enough money, I don't do enough with the kids I care for yet he's always mad at me that I won't take in MORE. He said to me awhile ago that he didn't think there was a relationship worth saving anymore. So I asked him if he wanted to try to see if there was or just call it quits? He said he would try, but he's done NOTHING since then. But to call me down constantly.
Why should he only have to work and that's it? Why should it be because he makes more of an income I should have to work as well as do all the cooking and cleaning? And that wouldn't even be such a big deal if he would do the most basic cleaning up after himself. He doesn't put his clothes in the laundry, his dishes in the sink or dishwasher, his garbage in the trash can. He doesn't dust but bitches about how dusty it is. He doesn't sweep or mop but whines when the floor is messy. I've been forcing him to do his own laundry, but he washes it then leaves it in heaps all over the floor and gets angry when the dogs pee on it (he refuses to let them out so if I'm not home they will go 8 or more hours without being let out) or the kids get into it. He has these stupid dry clean only coats, that he walks right past the coat hooks, up the stairs, and hangs them on the back of the kitchen chairs. Then if the kids get food on them he goes ballistic......because it's my job to put them away. If there is a dish that isn't clean enough he gets mad at me, but he doesn't do the dishes.
Today I yelled at my daughter. Screamed at her. I've never done that before. felt like punching myself in the face. The look on her face made me sick to my stomach. Joey undermines me with EVERY SINGLE thing I do with her when he's around. And I couldn't hear 'well when daddy gets home he will let me....' one more time. I went nuts. I took away the food she was mucking in, which resulted in screaming at the top of her lungs (her new tantrum) and there were babies napping, so I took her to her room and she took the food she had palmed and threw it on the carpet. Wailing about how daddy would let her stay up, daddy would let her play in her food. And I just.....lost it. I put her in her bed and yelled at her that I was done with the attitude, done with the back talk, done with baby Marlow. And then I left her room and went to the washroom and cried. I can't be the bad parent anymore. ALL THE TIME. If Joey want's to say no he won't, instead he tells her to go ask me. If I put her in her room (like last night for instance) and tell her she can't come out until she comes down, he will go in there, talk to her, and bring her out. I took away her doll house last night....she refused to clean it up and gave me sass. She went screaming to Joey and I heard him tell her that 'mommy was cranky and taking it out on everyone else and that's why I took the dollhouse'. I WAS cranky, but I took the toy like I ALWAYS have because she refused to clean it. His mommy cleaned his room until he moved out with me so he doesn't think she should have to clean up.
I went out Saturday night, and no one woke me up on Sunday and I ended up sleeping until 3pm! I had gone to bed at 4am. Joey bitched about it for the whole fifteen minutes he was here while I was awake, because if he had woken me then he couldn't be mad. Then he took off telling me he didn't know where he was going. Said he would be back for supper. I cooked, he didn't show up, went grocery shopping...and he KNEW he was going just wouldn't tell me, then instead of eating what I had set aside for him...he made a whole nother meal. And was all pissy that I was upset.
I'm having issues with my hands. Big issues. I've made an appointment. I can't write, or peel potatoes, or barely type. But he demands I rub his shoulders, or his neck, or whatever EVERY DAY. And when I say no, or can only do it for ten minutes because my hands become claws and pain shoots up my wrists and arms, he gets angry. I asked him to rub my back...first time in SIX MONTHS and he made all these comments about how I never rub him. It doesn't matter to him that I'm in pain, he doesn't care.
I'm just the fat, stupid, maid who couldn't be a good parent if she tried. And no matter how many times I ask him for help, all I get, and this is if I'm lucky, is a few empty promises that he will try to help. But he doesn't. He thinks that now that he's lost weight he's some hot man, who deserves better then me, but as long as I do most of what he demands he will keep me around. And I'm not smart enough or strong enough to leave. I feel like I'm crumbling and I can't do it anymore.
It affects my day to day life. I am shorter with the kids. I don't do as much because I'm tired, I feel lost and useless. I'm snappier with my family. I almost physically hit my sister the other night. I had every right to be angry as hell...but violence has never been my go to solution. I avoid phone calls because I don't want to talk to anyone. I live in sweats and tshirts and rarely wear a bra at home because whats the point? I eat for days straight then not at all for the next two or three. My weight just goes up and up and up and I feel like it's a lost cause. Why bother?
I'm just having a really bad day. And it will get worse and worse. Once Joey gets home he will point out that I didn't do the laundry again. He will make some mean comment about what I cooked. Marlow will tell him I yelled at her and he will tell me I'm a mess and a bad parent.
I'm exhausted but I can't sleep. I'm awake all night until my body forces me to quit. Then I'm tired all day because I have to get up early. I go days at a time with no more then two or three hours of sleep a night. Joey get's angry and tells me it's all my doing, and it sort of is, since it is my brain keeping me awake. But it's not intentional. He can lay down and close his eyes and be asleep in moments. I can lay down, close my eyes, and lay there up to five hours before I sleep. I've tried OTC medication, and I'm going to ask my doc about sleep meds when I have my doc appointment in the first week of January.
I'm also so tired of my relationship. Yet I can't let go. I'm not strong enough I guess. Not brave enough. I'm just a weak coward, just like Joey never misses an opportunity to point out. I'm overweight, I don't cook enough or good enough, I don't clean good enough, I don't dress nice, I don't enjoy what he does, therefore I enjoy nothing, I don't try enough new things, I can't fix things like he can so I'm stupid. I don't make enough money, I don't do enough with the kids I care for yet he's always mad at me that I won't take in MORE. He said to me awhile ago that he didn't think there was a relationship worth saving anymore. So I asked him if he wanted to try to see if there was or just call it quits? He said he would try, but he's done NOTHING since then. But to call me down constantly.
Why should he only have to work and that's it? Why should it be because he makes more of an income I should have to work as well as do all the cooking and cleaning? And that wouldn't even be such a big deal if he would do the most basic cleaning up after himself. He doesn't put his clothes in the laundry, his dishes in the sink or dishwasher, his garbage in the trash can. He doesn't dust but bitches about how dusty it is. He doesn't sweep or mop but whines when the floor is messy. I've been forcing him to do his own laundry, but he washes it then leaves it in heaps all over the floor and gets angry when the dogs pee on it (he refuses to let them out so if I'm not home they will go 8 or more hours without being let out) or the kids get into it. He has these stupid dry clean only coats, that he walks right past the coat hooks, up the stairs, and hangs them on the back of the kitchen chairs. Then if the kids get food on them he goes ballistic......because it's my job to put them away. If there is a dish that isn't clean enough he gets mad at me, but he doesn't do the dishes.
Today I yelled at my daughter. Screamed at her. I've never done that before. felt like punching myself in the face. The look on her face made me sick to my stomach. Joey undermines me with EVERY SINGLE thing I do with her when he's around. And I couldn't hear 'well when daddy gets home he will let me....' one more time. I went nuts. I took away the food she was mucking in, which resulted in screaming at the top of her lungs (her new tantrum) and there were babies napping, so I took her to her room and she took the food she had palmed and threw it on the carpet. Wailing about how daddy would let her stay up, daddy would let her play in her food. And I just.....lost it. I put her in her bed and yelled at her that I was done with the attitude, done with the back talk, done with baby Marlow. And then I left her room and went to the washroom and cried. I can't be the bad parent anymore. ALL THE TIME. If Joey want's to say no he won't, instead he tells her to go ask me. If I put her in her room (like last night for instance) and tell her she can't come out until she comes down, he will go in there, talk to her, and bring her out. I took away her doll house last night....she refused to clean it up and gave me sass. She went screaming to Joey and I heard him tell her that 'mommy was cranky and taking it out on everyone else and that's why I took the dollhouse'. I WAS cranky, but I took the toy like I ALWAYS have because she refused to clean it. His mommy cleaned his room until he moved out with me so he doesn't think she should have to clean up.
I went out Saturday night, and no one woke me up on Sunday and I ended up sleeping until 3pm! I had gone to bed at 4am. Joey bitched about it for the whole fifteen minutes he was here while I was awake, because if he had woken me then he couldn't be mad. Then he took off telling me he didn't know where he was going. Said he would be back for supper. I cooked, he didn't show up, went grocery shopping...and he KNEW he was going just wouldn't tell me, then instead of eating what I had set aside for him...he made a whole nother meal. And was all pissy that I was upset.
I'm having issues with my hands. Big issues. I've made an appointment. I can't write, or peel potatoes, or barely type. But he demands I rub his shoulders, or his neck, or whatever EVERY DAY. And when I say no, or can only do it for ten minutes because my hands become claws and pain shoots up my wrists and arms, he gets angry. I asked him to rub my back...first time in SIX MONTHS and he made all these comments about how I never rub him. It doesn't matter to him that I'm in pain, he doesn't care.
I'm just the fat, stupid, maid who couldn't be a good parent if she tried. And no matter how many times I ask him for help, all I get, and this is if I'm lucky, is a few empty promises that he will try to help. But he doesn't. He thinks that now that he's lost weight he's some hot man, who deserves better then me, but as long as I do most of what he demands he will keep me around. And I'm not smart enough or strong enough to leave. I feel like I'm crumbling and I can't do it anymore.
It affects my day to day life. I am shorter with the kids. I don't do as much because I'm tired, I feel lost and useless. I'm snappier with my family. I almost physically hit my sister the other night. I had every right to be angry as hell...but violence has never been my go to solution. I avoid phone calls because I don't want to talk to anyone. I live in sweats and tshirts and rarely wear a bra at home because whats the point? I eat for days straight then not at all for the next two or three. My weight just goes up and up and up and I feel like it's a lost cause. Why bother?
I'm just having a really bad day. And it will get worse and worse. Once Joey gets home he will point out that I didn't do the laundry again. He will make some mean comment about what I cooked. Marlow will tell him I yelled at her and he will tell me I'm a mess and a bad parent.
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