I feel free
I have only seen my wife 2 times since my last entry in June. It is painful and sad to be alone but now that I am away from the situation and my thinking is clearer I have hope again and I realize that my marriage was a mistake in the first place. My wife cares only about drugs and now she blames all her problems on me. The last few times I saw her ended in bitter arguments and the last one left me sick and vomiting. I have been advised by my doctor, my therapist , and pastor to stay away from her for health reasons. I recently spent 10 days alone in the wilderness of S.E. Oregon with my Bible, fishing gear, and gun. I prayed, thought, fished. By the time I came back it was like a curtain opened and revealed the answers to what has been eating me up inside for years.
Our relationship started when we were both drinking heavily. When we got married it felt wrong to me but we were living together in sin so I thought I was obligated. The marriage has been mostly unhappy for me, the only things we did together were wrong and she manipulated me by every form of deceit that can be imagined. I believe this was the biggest reason I got cancer. I went to treatment for alcoholism in 1989, she refused to participate and is proud of the fact that she got me smoking marijuana again. I was eating myself up inside because I knew I was doing wrong but continued to do it for my wife. I took my vows seriously but I know now that she has a different idea of what vows are. She seems to truly believe that she can make her own rules and then expect me to go along.
Now I am happier and more relaxed than I have been for as long as I remember. My health is improving. I have hope for the first time since I went to treatment. For a long time I felt trapped by my wedding vows and had nothing to look forward but unhappiness and poverty. That feeling has left me and I am excited about what the rest of my life may bring. Six years ago I was told I was dying, now I get healthier every day. I am filing for divorce next week and I feel no guilt or hesitation in doing so. The truth is I can't wait to be rid of her. I don't hate her and I pray for her every day but Satan has such a hold on her with the drugs I doubt she will ever seek help.
I am 60 years old I survived lung cancer and this unholy marriage I have only been married this one time (it's her third) I gave her everything and she just used me. I am not bitter though, I am thankful that I survived and feel no guilt in saying I can't wait to end this marriage and possibly find a God loving woman to spend the rest of my life with.
Our relationship started when we were both drinking heavily. When we got married it felt wrong to me but we were living together in sin so I thought I was obligated. The marriage has been mostly unhappy for me, the only things we did together were wrong and she manipulated me by every form of deceit that can be imagined. I believe this was the biggest reason I got cancer. I went to treatment for alcoholism in 1989, she refused to participate and is proud of the fact that she got me smoking marijuana again. I was eating myself up inside because I knew I was doing wrong but continued to do it for my wife. I took my vows seriously but I know now that she has a different idea of what vows are. She seems to truly believe that she can make her own rules and then expect me to go along.
Now I am happier and more relaxed than I have been for as long as I remember. My health is improving. I have hope for the first time since I went to treatment. For a long time I felt trapped by my wedding vows and had nothing to look forward but unhappiness and poverty. That feeling has left me and I am excited about what the rest of my life may bring. Six years ago I was told I was dying, now I get healthier every day. I am filing for divorce next week and I feel no guilt or hesitation in doing so. The truth is I can't wait to be rid of her. I don't hate her and I pray for her every day but Satan has such a hold on her with the drugs I doubt she will ever seek help.
I am 60 years old I survived lung cancer and this unholy marriage I have only been married this one time (it's her third) I gave her everything and she just used me. I am not bitter though, I am thankful that I survived and feel no guilt in saying I can't wait to end this marriage and possibly find a God loving woman to spend the rest of my life with.
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