I feel bad...

Going to bed...but right now, I feel like staying in my own little world....safe in my own little bubble......it hurts really bad sometimes to be alone.....but even still, it feels safe. I don't want anything....I just want to float in my own atmosphere all by myself.........but at the same time, I desperately want someone to share my world with.....I want friends and I want love.......but looking back at the pain that I felt from every single friend......and the pain of falling in love and it not working out.....and the pain of people taking advantage of me, leaving me, using me, hurting me..........sometimes I wonder if it's even worth the risk. I'm tired of trying and most of the time I just want to be alone. Most of my days are spent alone. I do have some people I talk to thanks to school and my job.......my school is a Christian school, so it's hard to be alone......there's always someone watching and wondering if they can/should help.....but even still I find myself alone so much.....when I want to be and when I don't. Also, even when I'm with people, sometimes I'm still alone.....and it hurts sometimes, but I'm used to it. I've gotten to the point where I just keep moving. No matter what pain I feel, I keep moving. I push my feelings aside and keep moving. Even if it hurts, I keep moving forward.....even though I'm almost completely alone, I keep moving forward. Even though I don't have any "real" friends, I keep moving forward.......even though I have no one to love and to love me, I keep moving forward.....even though I'm a crappy daughter at best, a crappy sister, a crappy family member, a crappy woman, a crappy friend, and a crappy girlfriend....even still, though I suck, I keep moving forward.......

I;m tired. I feel like I'm at a crossroads....I want to be better, but can I? Should I even try? What if the only thing life has for me is pain and disappointment? What do I do then?

I feel bad........