I Feel Ashamed
I am trying to reframe my situation and feel a different way than I am tempted to feel.
I am tempted to feel defeated, ashamed, to feel devastated and embarrassed, and to go to sleep for the next week, or to kill myself (though I no longer have even nearly enough pills for this).
I want to just reframe this and tell myself it's okay to do what I just did. I get accommodated for assignments at school but I try not to use my accommodations because I don't think I need them. I mean my only problem is my mood and I think that's something I should be able to control. I really think I can control my mood, but I fail to sometimes.
I guess I just need to try new strategies. Like right now, my eyes are burning and I can't imagine going to the hospital and put on a smile and volunteer. I can barely hold my head up; it's so heavy. But I know I can fight this mood and my thoughts... I know that if I keep telling myself what I did was not wrong, that there is nothing to be ashamed of, that I will not be judged and that if I am it's okay!, that I can only do my best when I can, then that's all there is for me.
Yesterday morning was good because I had tried a mini suicide the day before. I mean, It wasn't a real suicide attempt by any means; I didn't even feel suicidal!! But on Wednesday morning I got into a really bad argument and decided to go back to sleep.
I couldn't so I started taking pills. And for some reason I really enjoyed putting more and more pills in my mouth so I kept doing it, and when the thought of death crept into my head, it felt pretty good and safe.
I didn't have nearly enough pills to die though... I just slept the entire Wednesday. On Thursday morning I felt good because I kept telling myself that even though I wasn't even close to dying that any day anything could happen to kill me. I could get hit by a car or hit my head on something. Every day, there's a chance that I could have died yesterday.
The thought brought me a lot of strength I think. And even aside from the accidental death, it helps to know that I am actively dying and breaking down just by virtue of being alive. It's going to be over whether I want it to or not! And I want it to. Maybe I don't? No, I think I do. I think everyone wants their life to be over... maybe they just want to feel like they tried so they earned their death so to say.
Maybe suicide is so frowned upon because it's cheating. Maybe we're all just supposed to pay our dues before we are allowed to die.
I know I can be happy and fight these crappy thoughts. I know I have been happy before... I know there's times when the thought of suicide or death never crossed my mind because i was just too busy living. I know I can get back there. I just need to rid myself of my pride, love myself, and just deal with possibly being the only person who can do that at times.
I'm easy to love when I'm happy and doing well... I know.
I am tempted to feel defeated, ashamed, to feel devastated and embarrassed, and to go to sleep for the next week, or to kill myself (though I no longer have even nearly enough pills for this).
I want to just reframe this and tell myself it's okay to do what I just did. I get accommodated for assignments at school but I try not to use my accommodations because I don't think I need them. I mean my only problem is my mood and I think that's something I should be able to control. I really think I can control my mood, but I fail to sometimes.
I guess I just need to try new strategies. Like right now, my eyes are burning and I can't imagine going to the hospital and put on a smile and volunteer. I can barely hold my head up; it's so heavy. But I know I can fight this mood and my thoughts... I know that if I keep telling myself what I did was not wrong, that there is nothing to be ashamed of, that I will not be judged and that if I am it's okay!, that I can only do my best when I can, then that's all there is for me.
Yesterday morning was good because I had tried a mini suicide the day before. I mean, It wasn't a real suicide attempt by any means; I didn't even feel suicidal!! But on Wednesday morning I got into a really bad argument and decided to go back to sleep.
I couldn't so I started taking pills. And for some reason I really enjoyed putting more and more pills in my mouth so I kept doing it, and when the thought of death crept into my head, it felt pretty good and safe.
I didn't have nearly enough pills to die though... I just slept the entire Wednesday. On Thursday morning I felt good because I kept telling myself that even though I wasn't even close to dying that any day anything could happen to kill me. I could get hit by a car or hit my head on something. Every day, there's a chance that I could have died yesterday.
The thought brought me a lot of strength I think. And even aside from the accidental death, it helps to know that I am actively dying and breaking down just by virtue of being alive. It's going to be over whether I want it to or not! And I want it to. Maybe I don't? No, I think I do. I think everyone wants their life to be over... maybe they just want to feel like they tried so they earned their death so to say.
Maybe suicide is so frowned upon because it's cheating. Maybe we're all just supposed to pay our dues before we are allowed to die.
I know I can be happy and fight these crappy thoughts. I know I have been happy before... I know there's times when the thought of suicide or death never crossed my mind because i was just too busy living. I know I can get back there. I just need to rid myself of my pride, love myself, and just deal with possibly being the only person who can do that at times.
I'm easy to love when I'm happy and doing well... I know.
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