I feel...

I feel the only way I could sexual with a man. Is if he rapes me. I can't be close I just can't. He's going to get bored if not already. I'm pretty fed up with myself to. I just can't do what you want me to do. I hate that about myself. I wish I was more like her. Out spoken people person. But I'm not. I wish I wasn't hurting everyday. I wish I wasn't touched. And abused. I wish I could open up. You just don't understand what is going on in me. And I don't know how to explain other than saying sorry. I'm just so sorry. I want it all to disappear I want it all gone. I want to be normal. I want to be close to you. I want to give it to you. The only place I feel safe is in my mind. Even then I get attack. So where am I safe ever. I have no safe haven. I have no home. I have no family. I have no SANCTUARY.