I fail but somehow I deserve all this...

Last night was a total disaster. Jon, my ex showed up not asking for much detail he felt the need to be "honest" while hurting me deeply by saying he was only at the club for a girl who was visiting  for two weeks. He claimed while she has a boyfriend it didn't matter if she showed up because she was getting laid hinting he was sleeping with her. Why did he have to tell me all that I don't know but it made sense seeing them together thursday night...
 
I tried to not let it ruin my evening but everyone kept asking if I was okay. Of course I wasn't. I was drunk, depressed, angry, and above all....just really hurt. I faught all night not to cry because I didn't want to ruin my make up. I told a few what Jon had said to me and they agreed what he was was effed up and I needed to confront him about it so just as he was saying good by and he saved my hug for one of the last.
 
At first I just stared at him and he was so bewildered. I really couldn't move but I felt my face give the angry look. I refused his hugs all night while he tried to apologize and I wasn't ready to see him go. I finally moved in and told him that yes, I'm angry with him, I hated him, what he said was screwed up and it hurt tremendously, that if I wanted the whole truth I would have asked for it. Then he said that it was best we just go "our seperate ways". I thought it didn't make sense ot say that because for six months we've been talking about "going our seperate ways" and yet he haven't because we keep bumping into each other at clubs and bars. It wasn't fair so I replied with..."It doesn't fucking matter". He stood very still for a moment and left.
 
That's when I went to the bathroom and just cried. All the dancing by then made my make up clammy so it didn't matter. Then I fixed my face and walked outside to call up my ex fiance (different guy) for a few minutes.
 
The rest of the night went on for a long time I did genuinely enjoy myself but at the same time replayed the whole confrontation over and over again in my head, I even made out with a friend of mine...But the whole time I thought about Jon and I liked it.
 
So I got home and just cried some more.My ex fiance  called to check up on me and it was already 5am. I just let everything out to the point I nearly couldn't breathe. I just wanted to give everything up. It was my fault Jon broke up with me and this was what I get for that. Sorry and feeling bad wasn't good enough...I really needed to suffer and somehow I wouldn't be surprised to find out he said those thing to really hurt me. But he succeeded and now I want nothing more than to shut out the rest of the world in my room, cry and beat myself over it until my body can't take it anymore.