I drank and smoked.....but not really!

Last night I had such a powerful dream, or should I say nightmare.  I remember it so vividly, like as if I was watching movie.  There I was in a bar with my dad, a friend, and myself.  I was sitting at a table with my father (who is an alcoholic) and had my usual cranberry and vodka cocktail.  I wasn't drinking like a maniac like I used to.  This drink seemed to last me throughout the whole dream.  Anyway, I was smoking, and the bar was so crowded that when people walked by they kept bumping into my cigarette and knocking off the tip of it.  There I would see in slow motion the red burning tip drop to the floor and then extinguish itself by either going out on it's own or being stepped on.  Anyway, for some odd reason or another here comes my friend, and she is trying to involve herself into this conversation that I'm having with my father.  She is just irritating me with her constant babble.  I couldn't get any information out of my father because of this.  I kept asking him why he was in this bar.  But once again the "babbler" kept interrupting.   So, I took my lit cigarette and burned her with it.  I know, I am shocked by this and so was she.  What I thought would shut her up instead started this wild argument between us.  The dream goes on and on.....and yes, she did burn me back with a cigarette.  I woke up after this dream and found it 1. hard to believe that I would dream about drinking, I mean it's been so long, and 2. what was with the smoking.    Why have this dream at all.  I'm glad I woke up.  I did have a series of mini dreams. where by my husbands cousin won the lottery and gave us 10 million dollars of it,  to help us out of our rut.  Oh, I wish that dream was true.  Maybe I'll play lotto tonight.  Oh, well, I'll enter more later, I just didn't want to forget this, that's all.
 
11:00am - Just finished my 1 hour speed walk.  Wow it was tough.  I haven't exercised in a while not only because of the horrible blizzard and snow, but these past nine days I was afraid to.  I was afraid I would want a cigarette after.  This was very common for me. I would reward myself with a "good job cigarette".  So today, I finished exercising and had no reward for myself.  I have to think of one.  Silly to think that a poisonous cigarette is a reward isn't it?

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Wow! What an awsome Journal entry!! I usually just browse entries and get the \"gist\" but yours, wow! I had to read every single word! I cant even begin to reply to you!!!! First off I was told both from AA and Nicotene Anonymous that dreams mean we are actually doing a good job. I never understood that line of thinking but hell, believe it anyway right? LOL
I know how dreams will stick with you all day and intrude upon you. I hate those!! And NEVER try to pic them apart and analyse them!!
NOw as for excersize, I want to go to the pool sooo bad!! I have to change my life. I cant walk on the regular earth but man can I walk in water!!!! I looooove water!! Im getting excited now that I am writing this, im gonna talk about this swimming with hubby tonight.
Anyway, I really relate to the \"cigarette reward\"!! There are MANY things in my life that are agrivating, some very very painful, some just plain exhausting. Take my shower as an example. It is a HUGE job for someone like me. And all the steps and all the movement, the temperature changing in the water and in the room. Then the drying off! that is really a pain. then getting dressed and brush hair. I would take a cig and say ok im gonna smoke this cig then I am getting in that bathroom!! I will smoke it and usually going into the bathroom. But a lot of the time I will smoke it then get side tracked and have several more cigs till I remember (yeah remember right!!) I will eventually get myself into the bathroom and a cigarette with a hot cup of coffee is always waiting for me for when Im done, as a reward.
You are doing great!!!! I am really proud of you!!
if you have a favorite junk food that you never get to eat cause it is so bad for you, make THAT the new reward for the big hurdles. Me I get chocolate chip cookies and hot cocoa with marshmellows!! Yum!! LOL
Peace and Love,
Allison