I dont know why i cant stop being weak

i dont know why i get so emotional and weak sometimes. all of this moth i have been going through about fifty different mood swings and i dont know why that is happening to me. i was so fucking close to just slitting my wrist and making my life end today.if i hadnt gotten locked out of my room by accident i think i would have done it. i feel like ever since i totally accepted what happened to me the smart talented social teen that was inside me died and gave way to a weak social out cast stupid idiot who cant do a single fucking thing right in their life. i feel like im slowly losing my grip on humanity and i am turning into some kinda of monster who likes to minupulate the things around them. i feel like people hate me when i know most of them dont care and that i am in some kinda of sick twisted game that some higher power thought was funny. my religious faith is gone i cant believe anymore. cause if i do i would have to acknowledge the fact that there is a person watching me suffering as a trial that i dont really think anyone deserves. right now i hate myself so much i really just wanna get something near me and just hurt myself anyway possible. but i promised my best friend that i wouldnt and that one promise alone is right now the only thing keeping me on this shit whole of an earth. im crying over nothing right know and it sucks . i dont know why i am so weak.