I dont know why

I don't know why I find it easier to write here then I do on a blog. It's some how easier, like people some how understand better on here. Like I'm never ever going to run into anyone from here on the highstreet so why does it matter?
Earlier today I felt really positive, like I was strong enough to cope, like I had found the balance, had seen the light. But alas, no light. I shall cry again tonight, can you tell I've been writing poetry? everything I write seems to rhyme!
It's like okay I'm just going to go for it and say exactly how I feel. Nobody here knows. Yet it feels like somewhere someone cares.
I feel as though everything I touch turns to sand, as soon as I get close enough to touch everything falls between my fingers. I feel like I am hurting everyone I love, as though I am ruining their lives as well as my own. I hold my partner back, she's never going to get anywhere with me tied to her ankles. I hate that I am not strong enough without her. I wish I could set her free. It's weird I never understood what my ex meant when he tried to tell me he was bad, like the darkness followed where ever he laid foot. But now I do, she is a flower and I am curtain blocking the sun. Part of me wishes I had the heart to break it off because I know she would be better without me. It's like I sabotage myself without even realizing. She could be happy without me, she would be free. I feel as though because I am in a cage I am keeping her locked up with me and I know its not fair but I love her so much, so hard I never ever want to let go. But is that wrong? To know she could be happy if I wasn't holding her back but I am scared because of my own selfish reasons. Because I'm ill, because I need care because I can't take fucking care of my damn self. My mother had a full time job, a husband and a mortgage at my age and all of got is well not a lot, not a lot to offer that is. I have wonderful people in my life but that's not going to put a roof ovr our heads in 10 years, that's not going to finance her education let alone our children's all I have is my family and fibro and my girl deserves the Earth. I just wish I was capable of giving it to her, capable of more.
I saw a video today from the wedding last night, it was of the couples first dance and then the dance where all the other couples are invited up to dance with them. Just by chance we were on the wrong side of the bride and groom and got in a lot of the shots. My partner looked great and I looked like an ogar. I can't believe how much weight I have gained. I used to be so beautiful I wish I had seen it then. To have enjoyed it whilst it lasted. I don't know what ever happened to me, I suppose its the illness it just didn't ruin my health it ruined me too, my looks and my mentality. I know my walls have been up lately and maybe that's why but when I see myself in the images its like I don't recognize the person, its not me. She in those images is a fat, tired, disabled chick who's mid 30s and not 19! She deserves someone on her arm who makes everyone in the room turn around and go wow, not someone that makes people uncomfortable. I want to be beautiful for her, and well for her. I want to be the partner she deserves. I hate myself for not being able to give her that. I do, I really do.
I just wish I could change it...
I seem to have said "i wish!" a lot in this entry and they say careful what you wish for. I do not wish to be without my love, just to be better for her.