i dont know if ive realised

to my dearest friendsi think that since jessy died in april last year, i have been trying so hard to be strong, and be there for my other kids.  sure i know i cant just hold it all in, and of course i have done so my crying, and especially for a few months i sobbed uncontrollably, and i really believe that i grieve for jessy.BUT - in a strange way, cos at the same time i think i keep trying, subconsciously, to prove that i am NOT going to collapse, i am NOT going to go crazy, or whatever im scared it is that might happen to a mother who has lost her child. and all the time, i feel like something is not real. i occasionally dream about jessy, but they are disturbing, not calming dreams.  i look for signs all the time from her.  mostly, i just feel like this all cant be real, jessy just cant be dead. so maybe all that I AM living with NOW, is not real. im obviously very stressed, and carry so much deep inside me, but when i go to my therapist, i find myself almost irritated in that i dont feel like being there, and i dont want to talk to them, and i find i almost have to try to find something to talk about. bit like a waste of time. about 2 years before jessy died, i took very ill and was in hospital. i was diagnosed with myocarditis of the heart, AND a leaking valve in the heart, 2 separate conditions in the heart. they could be mild and of no affect, or they could be severe, well, for the past months i feel myself getting worse and worse, as in weak, chronically fatigued, to the point of non functional. and short of breath.i feel scared. i dont even know how to go into the hospital, i just mentioned it to the kids tonight, and they freaked. jarod (9) is so sensitive, he cried and cried. he thinks immediately its like jessy. i held him and promised him i am not going to die, i am not jessy, and i am not ill as she was. but the word HOSPITAL just freaks him. as for khaely, ha ha, the great start to school has already taken a fall, they called me in, said she screams and performs in the class, clashes with the kids, blah blah blah, and will give until term end to see if they will keep her at the school. great. even with her meds, she is such an unstable child (bipolar).  how do i even think of going to the hospital? and i dont know who to say this to, as my husband and kids need me so bad. but what if i do need surgery?and what if something does go wrong? jan