I don't know how people do it
It's dark and gloomy out... perhaps that has something to do with the conclusions
I am drawing.....
perhaps I have low energy... perhaps I should accept certain things about my temperament..
- but so with a sense of clarity about this - I am considering things.
Perhaps after 'figuring things out' I start to cling to the 'tailored picture' I am developing inside myself and perhaps this is something that is both a positive (as it's a good point of departure and an inspiration) and perhaps
it's a negative because life is not a picture - life needs to be walked through one step at a time.
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I wrote this to my sister earlier today:
It’s raining cats and dogs here. I’m waiting for the kettle to boil for coffee. Last night we had dinner at Dad’s. It was a nice time. I’m waking up this morning having paranoid thoughts, revisiting moments of disconnect from last night, but I’m reminding myself to grasp onto the positive things like ‘Life is about taking care of life and keeping it going!' Any kind of pain from the past I ought not to fixate on. Sometimes those feelings of
community is
community is about everyone pulling their own weight
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I don't know why my brother has to treat me so badly.
He can't help himself it seems. He's so self impressed by his wealthy international
life and 'extraordingary intellect' - and yet then he turns around a belittles me and insults me in front of everyone.
all the while pontificating about his supremacy and amazing life.
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I know I need to make more money and cultivate my will for capitalism.
I know I need to make my life as I'd like it - and still be the person I want
to be with my family - and cultivate the sense of family, that's important to me.
Maybe some call it 'playing happy families' - so maybe I should focus on
creating my immediate family with Blue and my circle of friends and support.
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I think I need to make peace with my life, and journey on from there...
the pain is there but I can be humbly happy in my own bubble.
Replies
gosh it's really hard to see past my own pain at times.
Making plans for the future - of what would be my life
is probably highly influenced by this.
I think we all have to deal with slights and things like that. Just have to decide what I am going to do with that upset or pain.
If I am going to let it stop me from achieving my goals or life or not.
Just want you to know that I've read what you've written, and I care.
thanks Ladybug!
Markus, it’s tough with siblings, and I know you have a big family that you’re very tightly knit with! With that comes a lot to maneuver and I’m sorry you get such an awful feeling from a brother who seems to not know what a remarkable person you are, and that you are different from him and his own life path. You matter and your own journey matters. Go easy on yourself.
Wishing you a peaceful rest of the day and hope a good night’s rest will reset those overwhelming feelings. Hugs.
thanks Nikki! Peace to you as well!
Marcos,
I don’t know how to explain it right maybe but I think that deep down that stuff with your brother has nothing to do with you, it sounds like maybe something that’s going on inside like he may feel he’s missing inside. I mean he might not even know it or be awake to it .... I say that because I really have that feeling but not making excuse for him it’s more so you know that it’s not about your lacking. I have family members that have stuff like that that makes them treat me a certain way (lol don’t worry I know you’ve read my journals so I’m not comparing your fam to my crazy fam lol)
A therapist said this a long time ago when I was feeling like ... I don’t know just all over the place about my circumstances .... she said having a lot of money is not a virtue, having an education or degree is not a virtue ect. she said that she believes success comes in all different forms & that being able to still be kind to people despite all trials & tribulations is a huge success. I thought of that rite as I read all this.
Sorry I know I write a little weird & not proper sometimes but I mean what I say & care.
Be gentle with you & don’t forget how awesome you are
Gentlest of hugs from me & Mr. Baby <3 <3 <3
Thanks so much missy!! Your writing is very clear and so appreciated!!
Huge hug sweetie.... I am so sorry that you're going through so much misery right now.... Your brother is being a bully it seems and it sux
You have a serious illness and I think you do amazingly well for all that you have
Another hug Marky.... I hope that the day brightens up and helps your spirit.... xo
thanks Janet! xx