I DON\'T UNDERSTAND.....

Wed., 8-20-08: I don't really understand how this is happening....I am actually beginning to feel a bit better.  It scares me.  I am not used to it.  I am full of anxiety.  It is so abnormal to feel a little normal. I went, yesterday, to a full day of meetings. (8 a.m. start-YUCK!)  The 1st half was filled with "stuff"...info the school district thinks we need to know...maybe we do.  The 2nd half was being re-certified in CPI. (Crisis Prevention Intervention)  Sadly, I do need to know this as once in a while I have to restrain a child.  It is always a last option! It was good to see the other para's I work with.  We joked a bit (I actually cracked a few, myself) and chatted.  That is, of course, when we weren't supposed to be being good "students".  (You know that is true!)  Tomorrow, I go for a staff mtg. at 7:30 a.m.  It is not required but by going I won't have to work on Friday!  Nice trade.  And, they are having breakfast catered in for us.  I start school Monday. After the meetings, I went to Chris' house.  His kitchen is coming along.  We went out to eat at CiCi's, an all-you-can-eat pizza place.  Trust me, I did.  Seems like all I did was eat, yesterday.  The meetings had food, I had breakfast on the way, and I brought my lunch.  After dinner, Chris and I went to a Compassionate Friend's mtg.  We had not been since 3-18-08.  So many new people....I hate that!  Accidents, suicides, etc......  Some of them I had heard about in the news.  But, sadly, it allowed me to see how far I have come.   I got home a little after 10 p.m.  I was pooped as I had done the whole day on 4 1/2 hrs. sleep. Well, I had a 20 minute nap in the park where I ate my lunch and read.  I am reading "Talking to Heaven", by James Van Praagh.  It is an interesting book and, although I have to ponder it, gives me some hope.  I think.  I am open to just about anything..... Something did trouble me at the meeting...  One of the ladies lost her 7 year old son by an accidental hanging 3 years ago. She seems so stuck and so unwilling to try.  I will not, can not, judge her.  However, I, myself, am so tenacious, not trying is not an option.  So, I get frustrated with people that won't.  And, I know that is so not fair!  This journey is ours and ours alone.  I guess, really, I just wish I could help her!  That is me...the old me(and apparently the new, too)...trying to help everyone even when I can't.  It is one of my best/worst traits.Oh, well.... My father-in-law (87 yrs.) called here today at 12:45 p.m.  I answered the phone and he said, "Where the Hell is he!!!!?  I said, "Who?"  "Adam.  I am supposed to be at the Dr. at 1 p.m.!  I have to have my eyes dilated and he is supposed to take me!"  I told him to drive himself and I would either pick him up and pick my vehicle up later or I would find Adam and bring him with me.  Then, as I thought, his appt. was not until tomorrow.  I called the Dr. office and warned them. ( he can be hateful!) Of course, I was upset with Adam before I realized the appt. was not until tomorrow and I was rushing around to get ready to go.  Then, I was upset that my father-in-law was making a 50 mile journey, round trip, for nothing. (He really doesn't need to be driving)  I told Craig he was going to have to start checking on his dad on a daily basis to keep him on track.  I am only one person and right now I am worrying about my Mom. (I worry about Craig's dad, too, but I can only do so much!) My mom started her radiation treatments.  Her husband went to the VA hospital in KC the same day.  They think he had a minor stroke so they are keeping him a few days.  I just can't keep up with everyone!   I am meeting with Mom tomorrow for lunch after my meeting and a trip to the mall. (YUCk-the mall, I mean)  I value my time with her.  We have had MANY issues in the past.  However, I only have one mom, she is sick, and I will miss her when she is not here.  I try, very hard, to enjoy the relationship we have now, which is good.    The mall...I liked a shirt, on clearance, so much, I bought it twice!  So, I have to return one of them.  Also, I need a bra.  The only place I can find one that fits right is Victoria's Secret.  How boring....I go there for a very practical, comfortable, way over, priced bra.  All that stuff and I am there for a not-so-sexy bra!   Pathetic! So, for me, today, I am okay.  Regular stuff, regular issues..... Tomorrow always scares me.