I don't think it's going to get any better.

I have to start keeping track of my life.  I don't plan on living forever, and when I do go.....well, people will know why. 
My birthday was the other day.  I had to work in the morning, but then came home to the cable,phones, and internet out.  I had some voice messages saying "happy birthday" when the whole "cable"thing got fixed but, the  ONE call that I wanted, no........ the one call I needed was from my mother.  She didn't,  and though my psych doctors feel that she is a big part of my depression/anxiety, and that all ties should be cut with her, I still had that glimpse of hope she would call.  I mean, how can you not love your child?  She has hated me for quite a long time, and nobody, (not even my father) can figure out why.  My sisters just blow it off and tell me she's a bitch yet they don't try and help the  situation by any means, and maybe they can't. But it still hurts and my heart is just broken over this sometimes.
 
I've been extremely depressed for the past couple of months and can't seem to get rid of it.  I just want summer to be over with, and fall to get here already.  I need things to keep me busy, you know, to keep me going.  Instead I sit here before and after work, just crying and wondering how my life got to where it's at.  Lately I feel that I'm just torchering myself by not smoking or drinking.  I have no friends, and basically, everyone has cut me out of their life so I mean why stop doing these things?  I don't plan on living until I'm 60 or 70, so why not just enjoy life drunk?  What the fuck am I doing anymore?  I can't even answer that!
 
I feel like I am constantly being punished.  The second I start feeling a little better, something in my life goes horribly wrong.  It never fails to happen.  I walk on eggshells around other people, totally afraid that whatever my mother dislikes about me, these people will too.  So I am careful of everything I say and do, and it's all so fake.  Maybe that's why I don't go out.  What's the point?   I mean if I can't be myself, then why go out at all?  Right? 
I hate my life.  I wish  I could just start all over again.  There are so many things I would do differently, and so many things, that I just wouldn't do period.  Oh....wishful thinking.