I don't think I can do this anymore. . .
I know that after a MC there a good days and bad days. That there are times when the pain feels like everything happened yesterday. I have had those days; they are horrible and lingering. This is not one of those days.
Today I am so angry, so envious, so tired. I am sick of waiting to TTC. I am sick of imagining if there is some horrible medical reason for my loss. I hate that my personal medical decisions are being decided by the fact that I have no insurance. I have said before that I feel that I can not completely move past my loss without the ability to TTC again, and I still feel like this is the case. I feel like I am in some horrible limbo where everyone around me gets what they want and I just keep getting reminded that I can't even hope to ever have it. Even though I am counting down the days until I get hired, there is no gurantee that they will give me my insurance right away anymore. That would put it another 4 months away from today; making the 1st month we could try the exact month that we conceived our angel. I had already decided that there would be no TTC in Oct, Nov, or Dec because I feel like it would be way too painful.
I can't take this!!!!!!!!! I can not imagine waiting so long to try again. I want to try now, I want to have hope again, I want to feel like I can breathe again. I feel like every day that passes is another lost opportunity. I stopped charting and taking my prenatal vitamins awhile ago because each is just a daily reminder that I am not TTC now or anytime in the near future. It makes me sick to think that it could be another 4-6 months before we can even try again. Then the fear of another miscarriage creeps in. What if it does happen again? I think that waiting is just exacerbating the fears, giving me more time to think, to read, to imagine what could go wrong.
I thought that I was getting through this, that I would be strong enough to make it to the other side. I never thought this journey would be so long, so tiring, and so utterly endless. I don't want to feel this way. I don't want to feel the hopelessness and anger. All I want is to have the opportunity to TTC again, all I want is a chance to feel hopeful again. I feel like I will be stuck in this quagmire of self-pity and grief forever.
Today I am so angry, so envious, so tired. I am sick of waiting to TTC. I am sick of imagining if there is some horrible medical reason for my loss. I hate that my personal medical decisions are being decided by the fact that I have no insurance. I have said before that I feel that I can not completely move past my loss without the ability to TTC again, and I still feel like this is the case. I feel like I am in some horrible limbo where everyone around me gets what they want and I just keep getting reminded that I can't even hope to ever have it. Even though I am counting down the days until I get hired, there is no gurantee that they will give me my insurance right away anymore. That would put it another 4 months away from today; making the 1st month we could try the exact month that we conceived our angel. I had already decided that there would be no TTC in Oct, Nov, or Dec because I feel like it would be way too painful.
I can't take this!!!!!!!!! I can not imagine waiting so long to try again. I want to try now, I want to have hope again, I want to feel like I can breathe again. I feel like every day that passes is another lost opportunity. I stopped charting and taking my prenatal vitamins awhile ago because each is just a daily reminder that I am not TTC now or anytime in the near future. It makes me sick to think that it could be another 4-6 months before we can even try again. Then the fear of another miscarriage creeps in. What if it does happen again? I think that waiting is just exacerbating the fears, giving me more time to think, to read, to imagine what could go wrong.
I thought that I was getting through this, that I would be strong enough to make it to the other side. I never thought this journey would be so long, so tiring, and so utterly endless. I don't want to feel this way. I don't want to feel the hopelessness and anger. All I want is to have the opportunity to TTC again, all I want is a chance to feel hopeful again. I feel like I will be stuck in this quagmire of self-pity and grief forever.
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