I don't think I can do this anymore. . .

I know that after a MC there a good days and bad days. That there are times when the pain feels like everything happened yesterday. I have had those days; they are horrible and lingering. This is not one of those days.
Today I am so angry, so envious, so tired. I am sick of waiting to TTC. I am sick of imagining if there is some horrible medical reason for my loss. I hate that my personal medical decisions are being decided by the fact that I have no insurance. I have said before that I feel that I can not completely move past my loss without the ability to TTC again, and I still feel like this is the case. I feel like I am in some horrible limbo where everyone around me gets what they want and I just keep getting reminded that I can't even hope to ever have it. Even though I am counting down the days until I get hired, there is no gurantee that they will give me my insurance right away anymore. That would put it another 4 months away from today; making the 1st month we could try the exact month that we conceived our angel. I had already decided that there would be no TTC in Oct, Nov, or Dec because I feel like it would be way too painful.
I can't take this!!!!!!!!! I can not imagine waiting so long to try again. I want to try now, I want to have hope again, I want to feel like I can breathe again. I feel like every day that passes is another lost opportunity. I stopped charting and taking my prenatal vitamins awhile ago because each is just a daily reminder that I am not TTC now or anytime in the near future. It makes me sick to think that it could be another 4-6 months before we can even try again. Then the fear of another miscarriage creeps in. What if it does happen again? I think that waiting is just exacerbating the fears, giving me more time to think, to read, to imagine what could go wrong.
I thought that I was getting through this, that I would be strong enough to make it to the other side. I never thought this journey would be so long, so tiring, and so utterly endless. I don't want to feel this way. I don't want to feel the hopelessness and anger. All I want is to have the opportunity to TTC again, all I want is a chance to feel hopeful again. I feel like I will be stuck in this quagmire of self-pity and grief forever.

Replies

deleted_user
deleted_user

I\'m sorry you\'re having a rough time. Has the temp position turned into a permanent one? Did they offer you the job? If so, congrats! That\'s great. I know it sucks to wait. You could always beginn TTC right now. You likely wouldn\'t conceive right away anyway, & it could potentially take several months to conceive anyway, so although it might not be terribly responsible it would at least make you feel like you\'re doing something toward the long term goal. I don\'t know what your financial situation is like right now, but if you did conceive you could apply for medicaid. I know it covers pregnancy, delivery, & post partum care. If you got the job & insurance in the meantime you could drop it. Your income would determine if you\'d qualify or not though. Why not look up the income guidelines online & see if you qualify? If you do, then maybe you have a temporary solution for your problem, & if the job & insurance doesn\'t come through the baby would qualify for medicaid.

I only know this because a good friend of mine is a single Mom, & was approved for medicaid when she found out she was pg, & her son is now on it.
deleted_user
deleted_user

Hey you, I am praying for you. I am thinking of you all the time, I am hoping this pain is eased quickly. All my love to you.