I don't think I can be well

I don't think it is possible for me to ever be free from SI.  ED, maybe.  And I am glad that I think I have that chance.  But I can't stop SI.  When I am happy I think that it is fun to take care of myself well so I try to remember that for when another wave of hard times come.  But when the hard times do come, I try to take care of myself the same way, but I still want to SI and that is all I think about.  I don't think recovery is possible.
 
I was in therapy yesterday talking about all this because I felt good then.  But I told her that all of these things that we are talking about now aren't going to matter once I don't feel good.  And I ended up being right.  I can't stop SI.  And I am going home for break in a week, which means that my ED and SI will get worse.  I have been doing good with the ED right now but I know that once I am home I won't be able to handle it.  It is so frustrating.