I don't know how to feel

I am struggling with some feelings I have towards my parents. I was raised by my grandmother since I was 3 years old. She raised me along side my half brother Derek who was KIA in Iraq in 2007. Just to give you an idea my brother joined the Marines as soon as he could to get away from our family. I endured some mental/emotional abuse as my grandmother is mentally unstable as well as my uncle who lived with us. I was kicked out and made out to be my mother since I can remember. I couldn't wear a certain shirt or have anytype of social life-as I was just like my whore-mother. This went on for years and I struggled with my self worth, depression, hurting myelf. 

My mother has had a long time problem with addiction (crack cocaine/perscription pills). My father has been an alcoholic since I can remember. I had some visitation with my father when I was younger-everyother weekend type deal for a few years. My mother came around mostly when it was convenient for her-or when she wasn't messed up. I am 27 years old and from the time I could remember I wrote both my parents off untouchable. I really had no desire to spend time with either of them because in my young mind I knew that they chose to live their lives the way they wanted to and I wasn't a priority-which was fine at the time, my life went on.

I had a son last year and never thought I would have children because I was never parented correctly so I had no business having children. Long story short he is the light of my life now and I couldn't imagine doing some of things that my mother and father have done to their children.

My mother has finished a round of treatment for stage four throat cancer. She had a test done to see the progress of treatment and just learned that she not only had throat cancer but esophigeal (spelling) lung cancer as well. She is due to have a lung biopsy this coming week. The news of her cancer has me very distrubed. This may be due to the fact that we were never really close so I am not sure how to act/what to do/what to say. She looks horrible-she had to have all her teeth pulled so her mouth is sunken in. She is 5'10" and weighs about 110lbs-it is a sad sight to see-worse than her strung out on drugs.

I visited with her recently and she was to stay the night at my sisters house. We were having a decent evening / reconnecting then all of a sudden she jumps up and says she has to leave. She ended up selling her pain medicine to go get high. It was pretty upsetting to go through this type of ordeal with her again as now I have a child of my own so I guess it is really bothering me now. I have never really cared what she does but now I feel betrayed that she made it out that she was being sincere and really to me-all she cares about is herself. She is dying and rather than spending time with our family she would rather get high. I just do not understand her addiction-I used to go to classes with her and have been educated on the whole bit. I just have my own opinion-help is available and you can be a sober person so there is no excuse to play the victim card when you refuse help. Countless times in my life she has put my family through hell. Out searching for her, watching her be physically abused by dealers/boyfriends, worrying if she was alive or dead etc. ys

I have tried to put myself in her shoes. I just cannot. I cannot understand the senseless things she has done. I have never been so selfish to put myself first, probably from the way I was raised. I was always feeling what everone else was going through. Sister is losing it because mom has left us once again. Mom's trying to get clean for the 100th time. Grandma's out of her medication she's drinking and being hateful to us kids. It only intensified the older I got. I was emotionally a wreck-no one wanted to be around me.

My dad was married when he met my mom. Having 2 kids of his own with his late wife and adopting one of her children. They met at work and had a fling and that is how I came to be. They never had a solid relationship. I talk to my dad on facebook rarely. Since he learned of her falling ill with cancer he has been talking to her again-saying he would take care of her and that because they have a kid together (me) that their relationship should somehow be different. It is really kind of ridiculous in my opinion as I feel like they never cared before-about each other or me so WHY NOW?

I feel like because I never cared about all this mess with my parents when I was younger-now that I have a child it is causing me a lot of problems. I am having a delayed effect from all of this and I feel angry, hurt, unwanted, disregarded, sad, stupid. How my siblings felt when we were young-mom leaving us at grandmas at 3 years old just abandoned is how I feel now. I don't want to make this about me but that is exactly what I am doing. I feel like I am having an identity crisis and it is affecting me and my family. 

I am untrusting of people-co-worker, friends, boyfriend and other family because I feel like my whole life I've been pushed aside-left on my own. I've built thick skin and moved on with my life but am facing these feelings now I can only assume because I am now a parent-trying to be the best I can be. KEYWORD TRYING. MAKING AN EFFORT. 

I've been shuned my whole life and am trying to be happy now and it is really confusing. I feel like I cannot relate to my siblings and they cannot relate to me as we were raised differently. I try explaining to my boyfriend and a few other people I am struggling/ask for advice and do not receive this. I don't know anyone who has grew up quite like me. I guess that is pretty cliche but also true. I need some advice on what is ok to feel like and what I am to do about my parents. Do I try to better these relationships? Do I just continue on how I have for all this time? I do not know what to do-I do not know what to feel.

-stewedbrains