I don't know

trying to not get the crazies here.... maybe it's a little warm out - that could be making me

irritable and impatient - maybe it's needing a focus and a project - I don't have treepeople tomorrow

so it's going to be a quiet, quiet, hot, weekend - I can be pragmatic and economical about expenses which I need

to do - but I shouldn't

deny myself some good fun -

in the morning - I'll take a long walk on the road near me...

Just to recap the day so far -

i came home from work...work went really well today -

i got back here - cleaned up - ate lunch - showered and waiting for my online appointment with 

my doctor.

my mind started to splinter a little bit - little paranoia's that I tried to not feed -

I felt tired and kind of thick during my appointment - she said 'no worries' - after the meeting - my options started to feel limited - and again I started to get a little paranoid - I went out to do some errands - 

I realize we can all get into a kind of 'flow' with our work - and learning to shift gears may be like changing your

perspective to suit a different job - I guess I get frustrated with my own struggles and kind of blindness to the obvious - ?

I'm realizing now - I've got to learn to think outside the box a little bit..what other job can I give myself to do? - even a project of any kind...?

tomorrow I will also walk to the coffee shop and get a coffee - that's a project I can do too.. a mile each way thereabouts...

I get so stuck in my head and body - we all have to take a beat after our daily focus is spent on work and responsibilities

and then we must find something else to do...it's a practice I want to get used to... and in time I will -

It reminds me how when in college I would finally get down to cleaning my room or work on a school project I would go

a little crazy and then get on it - and into it - 

I started to, after the online meeting with my doc, worry a bit about my inability to find something to do -

I was frozen in my body - if that makes sense - and a close friend observed that she can tell

I listen to my body very much... so taking that as a point of departure I wondered what my body

wanted - I went for food and drink - but for the most part I was hardpressed to read my own thoughts -

my doctor has told me that schizoaffective disorders (specifically the schizo quality of it) makes for

a difficulty with executive function.

that being said - right here, right now I've needed to come online and produce something -

I have had too many diet cokes - it's disgusting how these chemicals make me feel - I won't buy it again -

it was a cheaper low calorie option to a coffee - but multitudes worse for my health than the coffee.

It's a certain kind of intoxication that I have to wait to pass through my system.

This journal feels like a rant - I need to let it rest and come back to it later -

I suppose it's ok to rant sometimes :).