I don't get it...
So for the last two weeks I was supposed to be studying and losing weight. Those were my two priorities, I said I was going to work really hard on both so that when I go home in 10 days, I wouldn't have to see more disappointment in my parents' eyes and I won't have to hear a zillion lectures and comments on how I've gained weight and how it's bad and all that, and also because I wanted study hard for the last two course I'm taking so that I could finally get an acceptance for a BA program. Two simple things and I couldn't achieve either of them. I barely studied for my exams which start in 5 days, and I've lost a total of 7 pounds. I was supposed to lose 55 pounds before I left Toronto, I have 10 days left and I need to lose 35 pounds to look the way I did the last time they saw me. I am so dead!
Every time I start studying, I start thinking about anything else, and waste time downloading movies and applications and shit like that. I can't keep myself focused enough to finish a single chapter. And the losing weight is even worse. It's killing me because I know that it was something that is possible, I've done it before to lose that much weight in a month or a month and a half is possible. But this time I just couldn't do it! I wanted to, I kept saying I'm going to work out I would get dressed, I would put on my running shoes go outside and walk less than a block and then I find my self turning around and walking back to the apartment! I just can't do it. I don't know why, or what happens, I just turn around go home and lay back in bed. And in terms of food I spend the entire day fighting myself not eating anything unhealthy and then around midnight, I give in and order pizza or I go down to a grocery store and buy a large bag of chips and sweets and pop. I feel so weak.
What is wrong with me that I can't stop eating even when I want to. I know that I've never lasted more than two months on a diet, but at least when I set my mind to it I lasted two months and now I can't get myself to finish a week!! And the thought of going back to see my family is stressing me out so much, why?! I'm supposed to be happy I'm going home, see my family, I missed them, but I know that it's going to be so fucking hard to listen to all the crap about gaining weight and if I get rejected again my parents will freak out so bad, and then I'm gonna be listening to all my friends talk about how they're all graduating soon and I wanna be happy for them because they're my friends but I know I'm gonna be jealous so I won't really be happy and I hate that and all these thoughts just mix together and I get so stressed out and I start having this thing where I can't breathe and I can feel my heart beating a million beats a second.
I hate this version of me. I hate the fact that I've been regretting so many of my decisions, I always wanted to be the type of person that would make a decision and not look back. But lately, I've been so stuck regretting decisions I've made in the past. I don't want to be this person, but I can't seem to change it no matter how much I try. It's like I try to change, to be better, but I just end up screwing up so much more. I don't what's wrong with me.
Every time I start studying, I start thinking about anything else, and waste time downloading movies and applications and shit like that. I can't keep myself focused enough to finish a single chapter. And the losing weight is even worse. It's killing me because I know that it was something that is possible, I've done it before to lose that much weight in a month or a month and a half is possible. But this time I just couldn't do it! I wanted to, I kept saying I'm going to work out I would get dressed, I would put on my running shoes go outside and walk less than a block and then I find my self turning around and walking back to the apartment! I just can't do it. I don't know why, or what happens, I just turn around go home and lay back in bed. And in terms of food I spend the entire day fighting myself not eating anything unhealthy and then around midnight, I give in and order pizza or I go down to a grocery store and buy a large bag of chips and sweets and pop. I feel so weak.
What is wrong with me that I can't stop eating even when I want to. I know that I've never lasted more than two months on a diet, but at least when I set my mind to it I lasted two months and now I can't get myself to finish a week!! And the thought of going back to see my family is stressing me out so much, why?! I'm supposed to be happy I'm going home, see my family, I missed them, but I know that it's going to be so fucking hard to listen to all the crap about gaining weight and if I get rejected again my parents will freak out so bad, and then I'm gonna be listening to all my friends talk about how they're all graduating soon and I wanna be happy for them because they're my friends but I know I'm gonna be jealous so I won't really be happy and I hate that and all these thoughts just mix together and I get so stressed out and I start having this thing where I can't breathe and I can feel my heart beating a million beats a second.
I hate this version of me. I hate the fact that I've been regretting so many of my decisions, I always wanted to be the type of person that would make a decision and not look back. But lately, I've been so stuck regretting decisions I've made in the past. I don't want to be this person, but I can't seem to change it no matter how much I try. It's like I try to change, to be better, but I just end up screwing up so much more. I don't what's wrong with me.
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