I DID IT!
Fri. Eve., 12-26-08: I survived my second Christmas without Scott! I made it a point to have a VERY low key day. For the most part, it was. Chris came over about Noon. We had a brunch including "my" coffe cake, bacon, juice, and milk. That has been a tradition for many years. Although, it used to be breakfast...now we all sleep later...no little ones to get up with..... After eating, we exchanged gifts. I felt good about my gift choices. Craig, Chris, and Adam seemed to agree. There is nothing they are going to return. That is always a gift, in and of itself. My "big" present was a very nice digital camera. It is pretty complicated. (to me anyway) I have wanted one for quite some time. But, it has been a want, not a need. So, I am thrilled...at least as thrilled as I get, these days. Craig also bought me a really nice purse. It was so thoughtful and so similar to my regular purse I love, which is about worn out. However, it is just too small so I will have to exchange it. Yes, I carry a suitcase. My life is in my purse, so to speak. Chris gave Craig and I several "Pink Bucks" for a local movie theatre. It is a very nice gift. He doesn't have much money this year and "felt bad". I explained to him that first of all, his presence is gift enough, REALLY, and the certificates are great. Again, going to a movie is a want, not a need, so we can go without thinking about the money. It is a great gift! No, we are not broke. However, like most others, we holding tight to the money we do have. Everything is so expensive and the economy is so uncertain. So, although I am naturally frugal, I have become even more thoughtful when it comes to the money I spend and, on what. My dryer went POOF today! I washed a load of clothes and put them in the dryer. I pushed the start button....NOTHING! Not even a hum... So, I put the clothes back in the washer and filled it with water so they wouldn't mildew. Another blessing.....a friend of ours had a dryer his nephew had given him. He just had it in his garage as an extra in case someone needed one.He gave it to us to use. I don't know whether it is a forever gift or a for now gift. I don't care. I can dry my clothes and I don't have to go out and put one on a credit card. Hooray for friends! Even if it is just for a while until we get taxes, etc. behind us, it helps! Okay...as I said at the beginning...our Christmas was good for the most part. My father-in-law came over for dinner. He is 87. He is a pain in the rear, in so many ways. Always has been. But, he has been good to us in many, many ways. And, we have been good to him. When my mother-in-law passed away in 2006 I made sure he was here for dinner every night. I checked on him all the time. Etc., etc. When Scott died in 2007 I just didn't have the energy for him or anything/anyone else. I quit cooking for a long time. When I did cook, I invited him. I still get things for him at the store when he is sick or whenever he asks/needs them. (He still drives) I still help him. It is just not like it was. Anyway, a couple of months ago, Adam got drunk and messed up his Grandpa's truck. He went off in a ditch. I was SO ANGRY! But, I was also very grateful Adam was okay and nothing worse happened. Adam knows he has to pay his Grandpa for repairs. I will make sure he does. Right now Adam does not have a job. He is still dealing with the death of Melissa and Scott. He is only 21 and lost his brother and fiance' in less than a year. He is going to counseling. Adam tried to talk to his Grandpa after the accident and he was told to "Go to Hell". Last night when his Grandpa, my father-in-law, came for dinner, he had a card for Adam that had been delivered to his house. He had Craig give it to him, he wouldn't even do that. After dinner he gave me, Craig, and Chris a money envelope with $20 in it, right in front of Adam. He gave Adam nothing. I was/am pissed off! Not because he didn't give Adam money but because he was sooooo mean spirited about the whole thing. I should've just handed the money back to him. Instead, I gave it to Adam. But, that was right after his Grandpa left. I told Craig I will continue to care for his Dad when needed. However, I will not have my son's feelings hurt in his own home. It is rude and just DUMB! I will not invite him over when Adam is home. I will not have my son uncomfortable in his home! Adam has helped his Grandpa in so many ways....working on his farm, taking him to the doctor, running errands, etc. All because he could and wanted to. And, now, his Grandpa treats him like this!!!! Adam did do a really stupid thing. He does owe his Grandpa the money for repairs. At least we didn't lose another son/grandson. Please, anyone reading, let me hear your honest opinion. I am just so angry right now! Maybe my perception is clouded..... I did get in the hot tub today. That is the first time this season. These next several days off are MINE! I am going to be good to myself. Of course, there are things I have to do. But, I am going to mostly focus on what I want to do!
Replies
Please, anyone reading, let me hear your honest opinion. I am just so angry right now! Maybe my perception is clouded.....
You did good. He will not be around forever and you will have no regrets for having helped him...but you did well to support Adam and to not have dad-in-law over when Adam is there. Adam will feel your support and I\'m sure understands that Grandpa, while he would be much happier if he could forgive and be grateful that it was ONLY A TRUCK--apparently is one of those people who never get it. It\'s his loss...when he dies, what will he care about a truck? I just hope Adam can see it as Grandpa\'s problem, not his. He\'s lucky to have you to give him the right perspective.
I think that was pretty insensitive on the part of your father in law. I agree with you and understand that you would be a little angry and hurt. It is totally warranted. If Grandpa has an axe to grind, it needs to be between the two of them and he doesn\'t need to make it public by being so rude in front of others about this matter. You did good! Love to you friend. Robin
You are so right in your reaction. It seems that some people (relatives or not) can be negative and cruel. I agree with your thought. No one would make any member of my family feel uncomfortable in his own house. He is a kid. 21 or not he has been dealt a horrific blow and is dealing. Its just a truck i know for our selves my youngest son Andy was given Chris\'s car after his death and was quite proud and then foolishly rushing to work last winter hit black ice and plowed into the drive thru brick post at McDonalds. I raced there to him and this poor child cried like a baby that he had ruined his brothers car..Well my husband(who usually would have freeked) and i paid for it and not another word has been said. Grandpa needs to be told in private that his grandson needs his understanding not his negativity. I know myself my own mother never called or spoke to me after Chris died and never did and 6 mo later to the day she died also. I can only forgive that she was to enveloped in her own sorrow. We can forgive but do not have to tolerate bad behavior. Im glad thought that other than that you had a good Christmas..loved and hugs
It is so hard to believe someone would be so cruel...you did good. He should be ashamed...love to you...Karen
people like your father inlaw probably don\'t even see how hurtfull and mean they are. You did very good and you are a wonderfuly lady for even putting up with his crap I would have went all crazy on him by now. Now for Adam I hope that was the one and only incident where he thinks he is invinsible and can get in a vehicle after drinking.
Your father-in-law was truly insensitive. You should give it some time and then maybe rethink your decision as it\'s really just an old mans meanness which you shouldn\'t have to do anything about besides forget it. Do what feels right now and later. Love and hugs Cathy
You did the right thing. Your father in law was wrong for treating Adam the way he did. But He has to live with how he is treating his grandson for a silly mistake. Take care of your son because you will have him longer thatn your father in law...Love & hugs, Connie
I think you did the right thing, and you handled it as gracefully as possible under the circumstances. You took the high ground which I\'m sure your husband appreciates, because his dad won\'t be there forever,...and you won\'t have any regrets later because you treated him well and did what you could for him.
Actually, my hubby & I were discussing something similar at lunch today, so far as doing for parents part. His parents are wonderful, love them dearly and we went to dinner with them yesterday. We choose to vacation with them, they are wonderful companions. We invite them to our house for meals often, and one day Dad told me we are the only ones (out of 4) who invites them, I said \"no, I don\'t think so\", but he was adamant about it and said to ask Mom if it wasn\'t so. Now, Dad can be stubborn and silent--grumpy, in fact. I simply won\'t stand for it! I tease him mercilessly until he starts to laugh and has a good time in spite of himself. He worries about everybody and everything, about the stock market, about whether or not their money will last them, and on and on. I always say, \"what\'s the worst that could happen?\"--we\'d all have to live together!--He said, \"Oh no, not that!\" and was laughing! So easy to get to him, but I\'d do it in a heartbeat, and Like we talked about today, the others will have their regrets someday,..but we won\'t! Only our grief at losing not only parents, but great friends! Love to you! Judy
What a ass of a father-in-law.You did good I would of went off on him.I can\'t stand to see my kids hurt.Take Care hugs,Vicki
edit I TOO LOST A CHILD. - Just Friends
Saturday, December 27, 2008 | An Inspiring story IT HAS BEEN ALMOST 15 YEARS SINCE I LOST MY 18-YEAROLD SON IN AN ACCIDENT. SOMEONE TOLD ME THE FIRST YEAR WAS THE HARDEST. HE ALSO TOLD ME THAT IT WILL NEVER GET BETTER BUT IT WILL GET EASIER. I CAN SAY THAT IS TRUE. MY FAITH IN GOD HAS SUSTAINED ME EVERY DAY. I WAKE UP JUST ABOUT EVERY MORNING DEPRESSED AND I DO NOT WANT TO DO ANYTHING. I THINK I LOVED MY SON TOO MUCH. I HAVE ANOTHER CHILD-BECKY AND TWO WONDERFUL GRANDCHILDREN. BUT I HAVE NOT BEEN THE GRANFATHER I CAN BE BECAUSE I DO NOT WANT TO GET TOO CLOSE TO THEM AND LOVE THEM TOO MUCH. HOPE THIS ENCOURAGES YOU. I CAN REMEMBER EVERY YEAR ON THE ANNIVERSERY OF HIS DEATH I WOULD ALWAYS VISIT HIS GRAVE AND PUT NEW FLOWERS. NOW, I DO NOT THINK I HAVE BEEN BACK FOR MANY YEARS
I wrote a comment in that section of your website. By the way your site is beautiful. I wish I were smart enough to make one for my children. You did a lovely job and you should be very proud of it. AS far as your father in law trouble. I think he is wrong to treat your Adam this way. Adam has owned up to his mistake and is going to pay to have it fixed. I do not think he could do any more. I mean he has taken responsibility,and he is taking care of the damage to the truck.I know that the man is old, but I am afraid I would be mad at anyone that hurt my child like that. I am not sure that I would not have told the father in law so, or asked my husband to talk to him before I did. I think he was rude and hurtful,even if he is old, he can still have some common courtesy.I know that grand parents cannot always help but have a favorite. I am especially close to my grand son because I helped my son, who was a single parent raise him, and I was with him every day. I also am closer to one of my grand daughters because she lived with me for the first 3 years of her life. I go out of my way not to give more gifts to them, and to keep it all even at Christmas. I am very concious of keeping my favoritness hidden from the kids. I do admire your self controll. I would ask my husband to talk to his father and tell him how you, Adam, and I am asuming your husband was also upset. My kids were first always. I miss them so much. I wish I had one or both of them back! I just cry for them. It is 12:30 AM and I am in the living room. James is asleep. I am on the laptop, and listening to TV. It is these times I miss them the worst. Love and prayers,Peggy
I think that yes, Adam did make a mistake. However, like you said, he has went through so much for a young man his age. Losing a brother, and the woman he loved is a lot is such a short period of time. Your father-in-law should of felt the same as you did, disappointed, but understanding and most of thankful that he wasn\'t hurt or worse. I find what he did with the cards and money very rude, spiteful, and horrible regardless of whether of not you have or haven\'t done the things you do for him. That is his flesh and blood, his grandson. I agree with you for not wanting him in the house when Adam is there, only I think I would also tell my father-in-law how I felt about what he did. I know that older people get stuck in their ways, some of them (seems to me most of them) get mean in their old age, but that\'s no excuse to be so cruel to your family, family that loves and does so much for you. What does your husband say about that way his father behaved? Does he have any feelings about it? Could he speak with him? I\'m so sorry that you had to go through this, and even more sorry for Adam. I\'m sure that he knows he made a mistake, and that he is beating himself up enough without grandpa helping. I\'ll keep Adam in my prayers I can only imagine how badly he is hurting. God bless and love and hugs to you as well.
ya,I think he did it deliberately on purpose, that is a cruel thing to do, I think your husband should confront him about it. It is nice to see that your out and about, I feel like I\'m in a rut, and can\'t get out, its horrible..I hate the cold..I need to get a job, no money etc...I remember when I started to have better days here and there, I found myself having a day, of laughter, all day long every thing was funny, and it felt good, at the end of the day, all of a suddden I felt guilty for it, I have to turn things around, and think of it as, if I died, I wouldn\'t want Ryan to be depressed over me, I would want him to be happy, and live life to the fullest, but its easier said than done.. thanks for sharing your feelings with us!! Lots of Love! XoXO Kelly