I decided to stop pursuing unhealthy relationships
11/3/11
I had somewhat of a bad day yesterday. The thought of my niece was on my mind all day. I kept playing over and over again the time she told me that she no longer wanted to do this. That was just before she cut me off almost four years ago. I kept thinking about the fact that I’ve been pressuring her for the last four years and that only seals my fate and insures that she will never allow the two of us to ever be close again.
I had a hard day because I am so frustrated about the fact that I’m not over my obsession and I’m not even close. I still have painful thoughts about her every day. I seem to have been able to stop the feelings of anger and retaliation that used to result in suicide fantasies but now I want this obsession to go away. I’ve been trying to bond with other people on Facebook and that has been very dissatisfying. I can get people to talk with me but it’s not a spontaneous conversation. It’s me saying something to them, then them responding. It stops there.
I’m still trying to replace the relationship I lost by talking with young ladies in my family and my wife’s and trying to bond with them. I’m getting close with my God daughter but I wonder why I’m even doing this. I don’t know what to do and I’m getting so tired of my painful thought patterns that repeat themselves over and over again like a broken record day in and day out 365 days a year. I’m sick of thinking about my niece but I know for sure I’ll think about her all day. Then tomorrow, the day after that, so on and so forth.
12/12/11
I have made progress over the past few months but my mind seems to want or crave depression. I have to work very hard to avoid a depressed state of mind. Negative thoughts pop into my head all the time and I am constantly fighting them and trying to rationalize with myself. I’m still indulging in imaginary conversations with my niece and I’m still trying to stop myself. It is very frustrating. I still have sudden thoughts of my niece that cause me to feel emotional pain and I try to sort through those thoughts and try to figure out where the pain comes from.
I have a terrible emotional emptiness in me and I try to satisfy that need by talking to people on Facebook. It is not working at all. I don’t really have anyone to bond with, I’m not sure why I feel like I need that. I don’t want to spend time with the people who actually want to spend time with me. I have no idea how to get any relief from my obsession with my niece. I wish I could just forget about her. If I could press a button and remove every memory I have of her, I would
12/13/11
I believe I know what I have to do. I figured it out today and I think I’m really onto something. I have to give up on the goal of turning someone into my daughter figure. I have to stop pursuing that. Even though my niece cut off all ties with me four years ago I continue to try to rebuild that same kind of relationship with others. I think if I stop trying to do that, if I let that “goal” go completely then maybe I won’t feel hurt or depressed about the fact that my niece slipped out of my fingers.
I have to stop wanting that and I have to stop trying to make it happen for me. It’s like a dog chasing its tail. It’s never going to end and there will never be any satisfaction. I have decided to stop trying to bond with my Goddaughter and my cousin’s daughter. I’ll talk with them if they try to contact me but I won’t pursue this anymore.
I had somewhat of a bad day yesterday. The thought of my niece was on my mind all day. I kept playing over and over again the time she told me that she no longer wanted to do this. That was just before she cut me off almost four years ago. I kept thinking about the fact that I’ve been pressuring her for the last four years and that only seals my fate and insures that she will never allow the two of us to ever be close again.
I had a hard day because I am so frustrated about the fact that I’m not over my obsession and I’m not even close. I still have painful thoughts about her every day. I seem to have been able to stop the feelings of anger and retaliation that used to result in suicide fantasies but now I want this obsession to go away. I’ve been trying to bond with other people on Facebook and that has been very dissatisfying. I can get people to talk with me but it’s not a spontaneous conversation. It’s me saying something to them, then them responding. It stops there.
I’m still trying to replace the relationship I lost by talking with young ladies in my family and my wife’s and trying to bond with them. I’m getting close with my God daughter but I wonder why I’m even doing this. I don’t know what to do and I’m getting so tired of my painful thought patterns that repeat themselves over and over again like a broken record day in and day out 365 days a year. I’m sick of thinking about my niece but I know for sure I’ll think about her all day. Then tomorrow, the day after that, so on and so forth.
12/12/11
I have made progress over the past few months but my mind seems to want or crave depression. I have to work very hard to avoid a depressed state of mind. Negative thoughts pop into my head all the time and I am constantly fighting them and trying to rationalize with myself. I’m still indulging in imaginary conversations with my niece and I’m still trying to stop myself. It is very frustrating. I still have sudden thoughts of my niece that cause me to feel emotional pain and I try to sort through those thoughts and try to figure out where the pain comes from.
I have a terrible emotional emptiness in me and I try to satisfy that need by talking to people on Facebook. It is not working at all. I don’t really have anyone to bond with, I’m not sure why I feel like I need that. I don’t want to spend time with the people who actually want to spend time with me. I have no idea how to get any relief from my obsession with my niece. I wish I could just forget about her. If I could press a button and remove every memory I have of her, I would
12/13/11
I believe I know what I have to do. I figured it out today and I think I’m really onto something. I have to give up on the goal of turning someone into my daughter figure. I have to stop pursuing that. Even though my niece cut off all ties with me four years ago I continue to try to rebuild that same kind of relationship with others. I think if I stop trying to do that, if I let that “goal” go completely then maybe I won’t feel hurt or depressed about the fact that my niece slipped out of my fingers.
I have to stop wanting that and I have to stop trying to make it happen for me. It’s like a dog chasing its tail. It’s never going to end and there will never be any satisfaction. I have decided to stop trying to bond with my Goddaughter and my cousin’s daughter. I’ll talk with them if they try to contact me but I won’t pursue this anymore.
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