I Cut Again :(
Up until 2 weeks ago, I hadn't cut myself in almost 7 months... For some reason the past couple of weeks I've been going back into the depression mood that I was in when I first started cutting. I don't know why, I don't know what brought all those thoughts and feelings back but for some reason they were back. I fought it as hard as I can because I'm no where near the person I was back then. I'm not that girl who's not in school, I'm not the unbelievably fat girl, and my life has changed in so many ways since.
Even though it has changed, I still see myself as a failure in life. I don't know where my future is going. I feel like I have no interests, no goals in life. None that are realistic anyway. And I feel like I'm alone. I still face everything I go through on my own and I don't like that. I don't want that.
I just feel like nothing's right. I thought after losing so much weight I'd feel better. I know it wasn't going to be an over night solution but I never thought that after 7 long months I'd give in. Or that I'd even think or feel the way I do now. It's so confusing and complicated and painful and worst of all lonely.
I thought that maybe I should tell someone. A friend of mine or something. But I keep thinking what if she judges me. Or pretends that she cares but in reality she's thinking I'm seeking for attention or shit like that. I just don't know how she'd react so I don't know what I should do. Even if I did decide to tell her, how do I tell her... It's not exactly the easiest conversation to have. I wish I could because I think it might be helpful to have someone to help me through the times I feel like I want to cut. Someone I can trust enough to call and help me get over that need to cut. I don't know.
A big part of me says it'd be a terrible idea and that I should get over all of this on my own. And I feel so weak because I couldn't fight my urge to cut. Because I gave in. And I feel by telling someone I'd be admitting that I do have a problem and that I'm not strong enough to fight it on my own. And I guess that scares me... ;(
Even though it has changed, I still see myself as a failure in life. I don't know where my future is going. I feel like I have no interests, no goals in life. None that are realistic anyway. And I feel like I'm alone. I still face everything I go through on my own and I don't like that. I don't want that.
I just feel like nothing's right. I thought after losing so much weight I'd feel better. I know it wasn't going to be an over night solution but I never thought that after 7 long months I'd give in. Or that I'd even think or feel the way I do now. It's so confusing and complicated and painful and worst of all lonely.
I thought that maybe I should tell someone. A friend of mine or something. But I keep thinking what if she judges me. Or pretends that she cares but in reality she's thinking I'm seeking for attention or shit like that. I just don't know how she'd react so I don't know what I should do. Even if I did decide to tell her, how do I tell her... It's not exactly the easiest conversation to have. I wish I could because I think it might be helpful to have someone to help me through the times I feel like I want to cut. Someone I can trust enough to call and help me get over that need to cut. I don't know.
A big part of me says it'd be a terrible idea and that I should get over all of this on my own. And I feel so weak because I couldn't fight my urge to cut. Because I gave in. And I feel by telling someone I'd be admitting that I do have a problem and that I'm not strong enough to fight it on my own. And I guess that scares me... ;(
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