I cried

I did it. I hit 130 pounds. And then I cried. I cried because I hadn't weighed that much in 6 months. I cried because I felt so guilty for gaining weight. I cried because I felt ugly. I cried because I HATE who I am. I cried because they told me I would be happier if I gained weight and I'm not. I cried because I thought I had it under control but the thoughts came rushing back. I cried because I wanted to throw up my breakfast but I couldn't. I cried because I wanted to exercise but my joint problems won't let me. I cried because once upon a time I didn't worry about weight. I cried because my brain is in control and I am not in control of my brain. I cried because my therapist won't listen. I cried because my OCD is worse than it ever has been and no one will help. I cried because I feel like I'm drowning. I cried because this has been classified as an OCD related eating issue and it's one more thing my OCD has taken away from me. I cried because my OCD makes it feel like the world is screaming at me. I cried because NOTHING is right. I cried because my OCD is ruining my life. I cried because I did this to myself. I. Cried.