I create a focus for myself when I don't have one externally
Today yielded good work for me mentally.
Things evolved and with my persistence I made some
important understandings. I was feeling a lot of darkness earlier today.
For some reason today it finally hit me and I realized that when I have no immediate relationship -
Whether I feel like I have no connection with another person - I might go into service mode -
I don't know if this is germaine - but I felt a little squeamish too at one point
being around some of the parishioners today who were really down
and out. It took me by surprise but I felt the dual sense of
both total submission to humanity and compassionate on the one hand
and then a little snobbery and wanting to be somewhere else.
It gave me pause - and then later on in the day - I had written to my older sister.
I was feeling darkness and told her I didn't want to drag her down into my darkness but rather
decided to share some of the fun stuff that is happening in my life.
And that was a great thing to share. We had a nice back and forth.
For some reason today it finally hit me and I realized that when I have no immediate relationship -
I create one in my mind as my focus. Unconcsciously or consciously.
Whether I feel like I have no connection with another person - I might go into service mode -
Or if I am alone I might ruminate and focus on feelings that way
Or it might come out in a kind of perseverating.
or vanity.
Tonight I made the conscious choice in the way of the relationship I focused
on while on my own when I came home from evening service - and it's amazing!
During the day when I am at church - the pressure is getting less. I am getting more matter
of fact about the services I am conducting - it can be a bit of a submission
of self and I find when I am stressed like that - my mind can wander to what I want.
I realize it may be a similar thing when I am with a group - I might start to mentally
go where I'd rather be?? or want? make sense??
And that's ok - again - it's a kind of reaching for a relationship of sorts
that displaces the dissatisfaction with something powerful.
I needed a friend during service tonight...But I also feel quite well companioned by myself tonight and writing here
and also having my thoughts and focus on god.
and my beautiful cat Blue.
Again we create our relationship when we are alone to focus on.
I've thought I need to focus on feelings intensely or as I have come to think of it tonight I need to somehow trust in my relationship with God to get me through this externalized world.
When in church and serving I have a hard time giving up something personal or something self oriented at times because the personal it feels well and grounded. It feels like vanity maybe or something just to hold onto. But I think it is ok. It's ok.
Replies
It reads like you had a good service today Marky
My mind wanders at times as well
I think it's okay to sweetie...xo
Thanks Jan!