I cant help this feeling

I sit here going crazy in my mind.  I know the problems i have caused.  For the first time in my life, i turly recognize what i have done.  I am writing this down, because it is a loss that i have had.  I lost my family because of me.  I do not want this divorce one bit.  I am truly sorry, but very late with it.  I know that i have hurt sarah so deeply with me.  I have always cared about her.  I tried to show it, but i guess i didnt do it enough.  Because of my sleeping issues, and the job issues, i have never been able to think clearly.  Now that i am on medication to help me, i am able to do so.  And boy, i realize the problems more now then ever.  I keep trying to show sarah what i have become, but am not able to because she doesnt even want to talk anymore.  I am still getting the help that i need for me.  Dr tom has asked me to write down these issues in my head, to help cope and deal with them.  I keep replaying all the times sarah has left me over and over, and cannot help that thought that she has came back before.  our issues got better before.  They can now.  I am continually talking about my issues and working them out.  I feel better knowing that.  I just wish sarah would be there for me to help me out to better myself.  I dont believe that i am doing this just for me though.  When we said "We do" to each other on our wedding day, we joined our lives together.  So of course, i am not doing this for just me.  I feel that we are connected and always will be.  This week, i need to work more on listening to others.  I messed up last week, Sarah sent me an email stating that she needed LONG sleeve onesies for my son Billy.  I did not read the email closely, as i bought short sleeve ones.  Sarah and i spoke throughout the week, and i asked her if that was ok.  She said no, it is ok.  I would email her and call to say hi.  I just asked questions like how she was doing, and how her day was.  I also asked her if she had a problem with it, to please let me know.  She did not tell me anything about it until friday night that she had a problem with it.  I am doing what i need to do.  When i sit and think about it, i am actually very proud of myself.  I have done a lot lately.  I have cleaned out a lot of my old crap that i do not need anymore.  Why do we keep crap that we will never use again?  I am continually talking to everybody i know of problems that i have had before to get them out and in the open to take care of them.  I am a lot calmer now.  I get a little heated when she blows up when i talk, but i am confused still.  I am changing more and more each day, and want her to see that with every fiber of my being.  I am constantly asking god for his continued guidance down this path he has put before me.  If you are reading this, please pray for the same.  Please also pray that Sarah gets the guidance that she needs for the path god placed in front of her, whatever it may be.  I do not want this divorce, but if it is not ment to be, i accept gods decision.  I am doing what i need to and what i believe is right.  I wish sarah knew and truly began to believe how sorry i am for all of this.  The husband she married is coming back, and in full force.  Just give me more time, lord.  I will thank every friend i have made on this site, and in the world.  God has placed a very big support group for me, and i am forever thankful.  Each and everyone who i talk to, gives me the support that i need and want.  Also, everyone continues to encourage, something i have not had in awhile.  I want to show sarah my renewed vow and convictions with god and my family.  I am here for her and my boys from this point forward forever.  Whenever she needs me, i will be there.  Please pray it is not too late for her to see that.  I am also struggling with this smoking habit.  I was great for 13 days!  since i got the papers and the not knowing, the confusion, and the pain, it is very hard to stop.  I will try again after this pack.  Pray for that too.