I Can't Breathe
Pain grips me. All up and down my left arm. It's not a heart attack, but it's like a cramp on my left side. Not scary at all. I know it's caused from the stress of these past few days so I sit here typing. This morning I did the unthinkable--I lied. It is unlike me and I'm not proud of it.
You see, I've always been the good girl. I was the girl who skipped school and came home to spend it with my mother. I was the one who confessed to cheating on an exam. I was the one who smoked a cigarette then promptly told my parents. Lying for me has always been a no no. Yet, today, out of desperation, I lied. And I haven't attempted to change the lie.
Why did I lie? I lied for a taste of freedom. I lied to not feel like dirt. I lied because I was tired of being accused of being the evil daughter. So here I am, age 53, and for the first time that I can remember, I lied to my father. It was a lie, not a deception. It was a lie to avoid seeing him because I couldn't take being in the same room with him one more time. I couldn't take the arguments, the high blood pressure, the feeling of doom. I couldn't take asking God to take me home rather than go to my father's house, so I lied. I told him I couldn't come over to take him to the doctor tomorrow because I had to work. I told him to please find someone else to take him and he tried. He called relative after relative. But we're all tired. We're exhausted with arguing, of being called vipers, thieves, criminals. He has no one left.
It was an outrageous lie and all day I suffered under it's weight, until finally my breathing became shallow and the pain ripped up my left arm. Now I'm sitting here, listening to the devil's laughter. He's finally won. I've gone over to the dark side. God doesn't appreciate a liar. Still I won't take the lie back. So I'm here, confessing it. And tomorrow I will go to the beauty shop as orighinally planned. And I'll have my hair done, my eyebrows plucked. And I'll ask God to forgive me and hopefully I'll breath again.
You see, I've always been the good girl. I was the girl who skipped school and came home to spend it with my mother. I was the one who confessed to cheating on an exam. I was the one who smoked a cigarette then promptly told my parents. Lying for me has always been a no no. Yet, today, out of desperation, I lied. And I haven't attempted to change the lie.
Why did I lie? I lied for a taste of freedom. I lied to not feel like dirt. I lied because I was tired of being accused of being the evil daughter. So here I am, age 53, and for the first time that I can remember, I lied to my father. It was a lie, not a deception. It was a lie to avoid seeing him because I couldn't take being in the same room with him one more time. I couldn't take the arguments, the high blood pressure, the feeling of doom. I couldn't take asking God to take me home rather than go to my father's house, so I lied. I told him I couldn't come over to take him to the doctor tomorrow because I had to work. I told him to please find someone else to take him and he tried. He called relative after relative. But we're all tired. We're exhausted with arguing, of being called vipers, thieves, criminals. He has no one left.
It was an outrageous lie and all day I suffered under it's weight, until finally my breathing became shallow and the pain ripped up my left arm. Now I'm sitting here, listening to the devil's laughter. He's finally won. I've gone over to the dark side. God doesn't appreciate a liar. Still I won't take the lie back. So I'm here, confessing it. And tomorrow I will go to the beauty shop as orighinally planned. And I'll have my hair done, my eyebrows plucked. And I'll ask God to forgive me and hopefully I'll breath again.
Replies
The phrase \"you reap what you sow\" comes to mind, Tru. It appears as though your father is reaping that which he has sewn. He can always call a cab. Go get your hair and eye brows done, and breath easy. God understands more than we give Him credit for.........Joe... ;-)
Don\'t be too hard on yourself. God doesn\'t want you to be abused and stressed either. I too never lied to my mother....ever. She got alzhiemer\'s and I realized to keep her happy and not angry I had to use \"fiblets\". This is widely used by families of alz pts. I never felt guilty about the fibs because they were for the purpose of keeping peace, for her and for me. Hope God gives you a peace.
HOPE, You Have A GOOD Day Tomorrow..
BELIEVE,
In The Good Lord
He WILL Take Care Of You~~~HE Did ME !!
Love Ya, Barbara
Amen. Joe. Tru it\'s OK. Remember His grace and mercy and most of all LOVE. It\'s not like God is surprised at any time. He knows your heart and He is the lover of your soul..you know that messy thing full of it. May you sleep well tonight knowing that God is just as happy when we stand up for ourselves. Christians are not made to be door mats. May you feel the love sent your way..
Guilt truly ways heavy on your heart. I was going to say it sounds like a stroke. You should get your own health checked out as dealing with your dad is giving you an unusual amount of burden, stress and weight on your shoulders. You are just one woman. You can\'t handle it all and need help. Are there any professionals you can ask for assistance in dealing with your father? There must be some organization to help you out. You don\'t want to kill yourself in the process. Under the circumstances, I am sure God will forgive you for your lie. It is a matter of your health that is in question. Take care of yourself. It is not selfish to put yourself as number one. The sooner your wean your father off from depending solely on you the better it will be for your own health and then you don\'t need to lie any more. Take what I say very seriously. Diane Baillie
I agree with the posters, you have every right to protect yourself....and take care so you don\'t get shooting pains...maybe you need to add in a mani/pedi!
Maybe your father could use some Senior Social Services. My father did not want them, but I got them anyway and they helped!
Wishing you a happy, carefree appointment and hope that you can life the burden from yourself of guilt...
hugs and hope you LOVE your hair....