I can\'t bare the saddenss

It's been a while since I've come to write in my journal but i can't ignor my saddness anymore. My life is so loney. I'm engaged and for some reason I feel lonelier than ever. Lately all we do i argue. I love him but I can't take all the yellin anymore. My life has been so messed up. At first it was ok I was a lil kid with a rich daddy, but now I decided to stay in NYC with "the love of my life" and i can't be happy for anything. I was raped, beat up, cut, shot at and hurt in so many other ways. I've been accused of smoking crack by the one person who should have know better. After all the shit I've been through I always wonder why haven't I died yet. I want to so bad. My heart is in so much pain. I'm in school and trying my best but I just can't get it. Sometimes I just want to cut my throat. I pray to just stop breathing sometimes, I mean everyone tells me it would hurt them so much if I was gone (but honestly I don't believe any of them). Maybe I feel know one loves me how I  should be loved. As bad ass as i try to seem all i need is lots of hugs and kisses, warm thoughts and painless words. All I was is to truly know and see that someone loves me. My fiance tells me he loves me all the time but sometimes I feel like it's rehearsed so that I can't say he doesn't say it. Sometimes it's like he wouldn't care if I was here or not. He says things like if i wanna go then I should just go. I need someone to fight for me. I've been fighting for myself for so long I'm tired. I've been the only one tryin to protect myself because when I was a lil girl no one did it, so I learn that the only way I would be safe is if I did it myself. I have so many marks on my body and I'm fat I just feel so ugly. I've never really liked myself so how could anyone else honestly like or even love me. I'm just sad. No one understands, how i feel inside and when I try to tell someone all I end up doing is yelling. I guess I'm an angry person. I lost 5 babies and that hurts a lot too. I want a baby so bad, someone for me to love and to help grow someone to protect like no one protected me. What's wrong with me. That's another reason why I don't think he really loves me anymore, he knows I'm "broken" now. One thing he told me he wanted was a baby and i can't do it. Why would he want to be with someone that can't give him the one thing he really wants. I wish someone would just kill me please. That's the only thing that would help me. All I know is that if someone doesn't kill me soon I'm going to do it myself. I almost did it once but i woke up in the hospital, but i won't mess up again.