I can get sick with grief over my life sometimes
Tonight I wrote the following texts which ultimately became about me starting to understand that
coming here to the monastery has been a process of finding myself.
Finding the understanding of my humanity, and others, but also truth of how in 'imagining
what I want my life to look like', it can supply me with the template for starting to
going for that. My instinct was to come here...what on earth was I thinking, the grief tells
me, but there's a magical healthful contentment about it now. I've found my path.
This is what I wrote:
Really depressed.
When I’m talking with my family and I add something to the conversation there’s dead silence. It’s weird. My stepmom also mimics the way I talk. I seriously can’t talk any other way.
Anyway it’s just family stuff. It’s super hot here, I’m depressed and it’s time to serve. I always feel normal my friends.
It’s the heat that's making me spike! It’s all good
and then:
things are much better. Thinking about what I’ve said in the last messages . I think I’ve found my voice and the place where people want to hear it. To be honest, I was really depressed after the family call today, but it’s the heat I'm pretty sure and the hard work both exagerating the feelings and also just revealing the kind of growth that I had to be aware of now.... Anyway, have a good week ahead, Thanks for being there.
and then:
I think I realize that like you said we should talk about how I would like things to look like in my life. Everyone uses imagination to then fill in as in/like goals.
and then:
Why do I detach ? (this happens but again I've resorted to doing my work, my chores and remembering what my goals are,
it'll come back to me, my enthusiasm, I know it.)
---
Like I said I can get sick with grief over my life - but there are lots of nice things about it.
I've survived and I feel directed and on my path! :)
Replies
It would seem Mark that you hold your father in very high esteem, your sister and stepmother less so...no doubt you love your family, just wondering if you challenged some of what sister/step-mother say to you, and not take things to heart.
You've found a group of people, you have a space that is filled with purpose and meaning, along with sweet Blue and I can't remember the last time you wrote in a journal of depression...maybe some confusion at times when very tired, but over all your mood seems stable.
I had to stop 'picking the lint out of belly button' where my family was concerned...and I should also write the same about my life over the years. <3
Thanks Mary Louise,
Big hug sweetie
I'm sorry tbat you're stepmom was nasty
If she has some dementia that could be why
People can get really combative with dementia
My .mom did
I'm sorry you're feeling depressed sweetie
There's a lot going on right now
Big hug and prayers sent...xo
Thanks Janet!
You sound like you are working through the issues with your stepmother (what a rude person!) and coming out stronger!
Keep aiming in a forward direction (and can I tell myself that, too? Lol)
I'm glad the monastery has brought you to this point in your journey!
thanks GT. My stepmother is actually a fantastic person - I think this is her way of playing but she doesn't
understand that it makes me feel uncomfortable. She's great though.
Mocking someone isn't play IMHO it's mean spirited even if someone does it with a smile on
Thanks Janet